Trying to stay hopeful

Progress is being made and I feel at last things are finally starting to come together.
Me and Mike are back on track, I postponed meeting up with Chris and I told my brother and our housemate that I wasn't happy in the flat and wanted to move out.

Last week while I went through and recovered from my mini meltdown, the space that me and Mike had felt overly positive. I was able to get things straightened out in my mind and about the flat, he was also able to enjoy being at home instead of being frustrated by it and his parents. We still messaged each other but only met up again on Saturday. We were both really looking forward to it and it was a lot of fun. We rekindled with passion and conversation. Got a cheap hotel in a sketchy location and enjoyed each other's company. We both talked a lot and I feel so grateful he allowed me to have my moment of panic, gave me the space I needed to truly think things over. After that Tuesday of tears and talks with most people in my family, I dipped my toe in my murky waters of online dating once again, just to see if it sparked off anything within but it didn't. It didn't feel right at all. I disappeared from there as quickly as I joined it. It dawned on me that I could be throwing away something really special. I know that there are things that bug me here and there but my main concern was how much time we were spending together. All I needed to do was say that to him. I shouldn't have seen Chris either, because I was so happy to see him again but these emotions got me confused. It got me contemplating getting back together again when now I realise that...it really wouldn't be a good idea. I mean, meeting up to hear him out could be interesting, I'd like to know what things he's learnt since our break up and what he misses. But, I would likely feel pressured into to agreeing to start something up again that I know isn't a good idea. In those sorts of moments I just go along with everything and then worry about it afterwards. He's so late to reply to my messages even now, which suggests that he can't be that excited by the idea of getting back together again, surely he'd want to message more frequently? I don't know. But frankly, I don't want to know. Getting involved with him again could be great but...do I really think he's changed? No, I don't think that he has.

Mike is a clean slate, and we've a good thing going on. He supports me like nobody else i've been with and seems genuinely up for a life together with me. He's romantic, thoughtful and kind. Sure, he doesn't have me rolling on the floor laughing but, we connect in other ways. And that's important to remember. Relationships I look back on with rosy tinted memories weren't all they appeared, I miss them but I wasn't a saint, I was frustrated and did things I shouldn't have done. That was because we didn't connect in important aspects.

As well as rekindling things with Mike, i've taken to rekindling another area; the gym. I need to get that back on track again, from a mental point of view more than physical/fitness. I've been 3 or 4 times since last week and already feel the benefits, especially after a long, frustrating day at work where i've been sat stewing over my thoughts. Sweating it out afterwards feels satisfying. It's also some space away from everywhere I currently feel uncomfortable; work, the house, my thoughts. So, I hope I'll continue with all of that over the course of the next few months. I need to take matter into my own hands regarding my mental health.

I've started looking at studio flats too. I love flat hunting; the sorting, the messaging, the envisioning of my life in these places however...it does fill me with anxiety. It's draining, the anticipation, the back and forth, the budgeting, the travelling to and from the locations usually crammed in a lunchbreak or after work. Then there's the inevitable disappointment - paying hand over fist for a square of space for way over a grand a month to find no heating system in place, no oven or hobs to cook at and an enormous deposit to lay down. It's just sickening. A lot of places i've seen over the years are appalling and that's not from a princess 'it's got to have this and that!' attitude. No, this is from a 'have health and safety seen this? Surely living in a place like that violates human rights,' tact. But sadly, people who've just arrived in this city will take them not knowing any better, so these landlords get away with it and no changes are made. Sigh, if I had the time, i'd write a book on the whole ordeal. Honestly. But i've many more to wade through no doubt, I'm hopeful I'll have something lined up in a couple of months... i've just got to stay hopeful.