Saturday

It’s been the first time I’ve been to the gym on a Saturday for a good few years. It felt really good to do something so deliberate, to turn up, grind it out, go home. It’s a calmer atmosphere in there too which is nice, there’s no pressure. You can fanny about with equipment without fear of being judged. I’m sure many would argue it doesn’t matter how full a gym is and it shouldn’t affect one’s desire to do whatever they want. But we all know that possibly one of the main things that stops anyone in such situations is the fear of others judgement. Everyone just looks as though they know what they’re doing!

So, it’s nearly 12pm and I’ve the afternoon to maybe do something arty until 6pm when I’ll set off and visit dad for the eve and large part of tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to seeing him, it’ll be good to get away for a while and catch up. I’m looking forward to a laugh and maybe a bit of wine, check in on past events.

I spoke to Chris a couple of nights ago on the phone, it was really nice. It was good, we were both able to address things we should have done years ago. We both agreed that after meeting we were both very tempted to get back together again, and worry about the rest later. But with more time, we both had our doubts. He’s scared of getting hurt again and I’m concerned we would just fall back into our old, friendly ways. He surprised me by saying that the idea of having children is more appealing to him now, especially after his travels and his friends settling down. It did feel nice to hear this, but I reminded myself that Mike wanted those things with me too.
I’d be lying if I said that it’s not tempting, but I knew this because speaking with him always confuses me. We cried with laughter on the phone at his stories and we instantly fell back into our silly ways of being which I dearly miss. I know me and Mike won’t share that, he’s too self conscious to truly let himself go and throw himself into laughter - but that’s okay.
Chris is selfish, a word he used for himself several times during our conversation, he said he wanted to make himself happy (first) which well, is honest I suppose. I remember reading somewhere that the key to a relationships longevity is both people’s desire to make the other person happy first and foremost. I liked that saying and it rang true with me, because in most cases, my happiness comes second.
Chris hinted that he had his flat to himself for the week and the idea of inviting me around had crossed his mind. We joked about it but obviously, I can’t take him up on the ‘offer’ I mean, it would be putting myself in a situation which would be dishonest. I’ve forgotten what our intimate moments were like which, says a lot. Because I can think of many great times I’ve shared with many people over the years. We just never had that spark, we’re probably too polite to say this to each other. But it’s important - so, important and to be honest, was the main reason for me why we ended...