He didn't think I should be feeling any guilt about not telling Mike about my meeting with Chris, he understood that it would have done more harm than good, although I still feel like I should have been more honest. Opening up to him about how things are with Mike made me realise how the relationship really isn't working. He is draining my energy and ultimately, I can't really be myself around him. I know that moving in together wouldn't be helpful or make things better, I've known this all along. I've just tried to tell myself these things to help me believe them in the hope that they'd ultimately come true.
I know that he can't help the way he is but I know that i'm not helping because I hate conflict and I absolutely hate the idea of hurting his feelings.
I found myself thinking more about Chris and his message to me, how he wants to really let it all sink in and process how it makes him feel. We've penciled in the 12th of February, however I'm aware that for some reason or another, we might not even meet after all. He might decide it's a bad idea and that it wouldn't work out. Maybe I might cancel before then, but somehow i'm too curious and I would like to hear his thoughts and hopefully tell him my own. That's if I'd be able to recall them in person and not let the adrenaline confuse me or cause me to shut down. Despite it maybe not even happening, I'm still arranging my thoughts as though we are so, I decided to get a few things on paper just to see what came out of my mind. As emotions can change so easily and in such short spaces of time, it might be good for me to readdress them in a week's time, to see if i've anything to add or indeed, take away.
Ultimately, we both ended and there were reasons for that - it wasn't for a lark. I spent many hundreds of pounds in the process and lost a lot too, we both did. It was a sad and mostly blurry time. It caused me discomfort trying to look back to those times where I tried so hard to push my way through, throwing myself back onto the dating scene. Perhaps more of the bad memories will float to the surface of my mind whereas now I can only recall the good.
So as dad sat opposite me at the table on his laptop organising some of his things, I tried to organise my words onto paper and got the following;
I wanted to address the flat situation first as it was the first and most obvious. Then a few initial thoughts about recent developments in my mind and then finally, the reasons as to why we broke up in terms of me and him from my point of view.
I don't really want my meeting with him to be the reason for considering ending things with Mike, because really, it isn't. It just made me realise that the way I felt then when I was sat in front of Chris, was how I want to feel all the time. And not necessarily with him - with anyone. I want to laugh freely and feel like i'm comfortable in my own skin like I once did. I know that it's unfair for me to compare the two people because me and Chris have three and half years of history together. But, if I don't feel like that now with Mike, then I doubt I ever will. And that's not his fault. Nor is it mine. It's just something i've come to realise.
I would love to be able to talk with him about this, but I don't know how I can. It fills me with dread and anxiety. But I know it's a conversation that needs to be had at some point and it's unfair to string him along if i'm not entirely happy. It will likely hurt him to hear but it'll mean he'll heal quicker than if I were to drop it on him later down the line. I'm not even entirely sure it's something I feel strong enough to do right now...but then again, by meeting with Chris reveals to myself how I really feel about all of this.
Perhaps I should sleep on it and see how I feel about everything tomorrow. I'm tempted to call in sick and just have a day to myself in bed. No. Of course that would be irresponsible...
I need to prepare myself for how I'll feel if Chris does cancel, or, say that he thinks starting up again is a bad idea and that we shouldn't go down that road. I don't think I'll know until it happens. But hey, if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. Whatever happens. If that's the way he feels, then best he tells me - and the same for me with him, if I come to that conclusion.
I need to prepare myself for how I'll feel if we do meet, but are unable to agree on things. Or perhaps, it'll feel as though it's all on his terms, which I remember feeling for a lot of the time that we were together. I suppose we'll both know - we'd have given it a try at least.
Perhaps none of this a good idea. Perhaps someone else is out there waiting for me, who's a much better fit...it fills me with dread, starting off all over again. I fear that i'm running out of time. And i'm with someone who's basically offering me everything I could ever want. And yet, it doesn't fill me with confidence or with joy. It did, but now I feel the real colours are starting to show and I'm cooling off...fast.
This evening i'm going to talk to my brother, which should be nice. 'Put the world to rights' he joked. I hope so. Then an early night I reckon, and try and sleep easily. Escape the noise of my mind. I'm scared. That I'll hurt others and will also be hurt. I'm afraid the person who's right for me won't want to give it another shot. Or, i'm scared that I'll ignore the 'broken plate' analogy and thrust myself into our old problems, regretting ever ending things with someone sweet, kind and caring.
But do I want to feel the way I do now for another 6 months or so? Or just 'rip it up and start again?' I don't know if I have the emotional capacity to carry on like this...good grief I hope things get on track soon.
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