Letting things settle in

This all a mindset thing, I know it. I've been down and out before, i've been able to pick myself out of some dark places in the past and this should be no different.
I made it through last night resisting the urge to message anyone, so that's a blessing. I slept a lot and this morning I took another day off and instead of staying in all day, I went for a walk to the park. I bought a take away coffee from a nice indie place where me and Mike visited before, and I phoned mum - all things I was hesitant on doing at the outset. It's been gloomy, grey and cold here but i'm so glad that I got outside and it was so nice to speak to her, as she had some great advise for me. She listened and she asked me good questions. Her opinion was that our relationship had entered a new phase and that these phases aren't often exciting, in fact they can be pretty boring but if issues come up and you both want to work through them, you can learn a lot about each other in the process. She said that she didn't think bailing out of relationships when the going gets tough is a good idea, but she also said that I'm someone who enjoys laughter, fun and silliness and at the end of the day, you can't change the way someone is.
She was supportive of me staying with him, and breaking up with him. I didn't tell her all the details of me and Chris, but I'd mentioned that he wanted to meet up and that he'd been testing the water perhaps as to maybe starting things up again. She found this interesting but said it was a separate matter, one I should compartmentalize and reminded me that me and him stopped laughing at one point, and that we lost focus of the future...we ended. And that's worth remembering.

I really want to talk to Mike, I want to know how he's feeling and explain what i've been thinking about; perhaps it's the living situation, perhaps it's because we've been spending too much time together. I miss him, his body, the good times which really weren't all that long ago. But then I remember the frustrations, my inability to breath and i'm back to square one again.
I know that I need to give it time, and by talking to him through this process of up and down is only going to mess him about. It's not exactly like we've left things on 'right, fuck you then' - he's respecting my space to think. I shouldn't feel like rushing but oh, I really do - I really want this knot in my stomach to ease. I really want to plan my next move.

I suddenly have the urge to join the gym. I realise that last time I had a big break up, of a similar kind (with Olive,) I threw myself into working out and I think it would be a good idea to do that again. Re-connect with my body and mind, it helped no end with my anxiety which has given me all manner of grief recently. I can go after work, sweat it all out which will take up my evenings, shower then go to bed. I'll have a routine - antisocial indeed, but, one where i'm out of this environment and into one that's separate from everything else in my life. I'd love it to be free of course but the money i'm saving by not buying new clothes can go towards it, and although it's not a pleasant gym, I know what to expect.

So - I've signed up! I hit that 'join' button and plan to make my first visit tomorrow after my haircut - it's all happening haha. It'll be a bit later in the eve and hopefully a bit quieter, which should hopefully help ease me in while I find my feet.

I feel positive one moment, then sad the next. It's the day to day which is the most difficult to work through, I'm so used to seeing his name on my screen, it seems normal to go to him first when now I can't. Because it was on my terms too, I feel as though i've made a dreadful mistake. If it were the other way around, i'd just pick myself up and get on with things. - As tough as that is. The idea of calling him up to undo it all is very tempting, but as dad said 'it'd be like kicking the can down the road, it'll surely all come up later.' I rather like an analogy.
Plus, how will I feel about things if Chris does still want to meet up? I have a feeling it'll suddenly change my area of focus. It's a supposed week until we're thinking of meeting, a lot can change in that time. Plus, a week can go very quickly. I know that I need to give myself time. I know I just need to keep myself occupied.

I have foolishly downloaded an app...I'm rolling my own eyes. It's just to see how I feel. I don't plan on meeting anyone from it for a long time, I just, wanted to see if it made me feel excited or sick. When will I learn? It's just another form of distraction, someone else to type to instead of messaging those I shouldn't...sigh...just got to get through today, hour by hour. Day by day, things will be clearer, right?...I do hope so!