Irresponsible? Yes. I type from my bed, for the first time in a very long time. I absolutely feel guilty for this, but I also want a day truly to myself to allow for me to properly think things through.
Me and Ed had a chat last night, he wanted to check in to see how I was coping and what my plan of action was. I showed him the three pages of lists and he asked which one was for my current situation, so which I had only a few little scribbles. He thought that breaking up was the right thing to do and knew something wasn't right for a long time but didn't want to say anything before I'd given him any hint of doubt. Fair enough, I suppose, i'm pretty sure I would do the same thing too.
He told me some hard truths; that I always seem to find myself in these relationships where I get to a point where I can't take whatever it is anymore, and I leave. He worries that I'm tempted by Chris because it skips the whole 'starting over again' which I really fear. But he said that likely in a few days I'll know the score and what I feel excited about. - If anything. I'll be able to do what I like in terms of meeting up with Chris, because I'll be a free agent.
'You deserve the best' he told me seriously, and gave me a big hug. For once, after a very long time I felt happy in my current living situation. Because my brother was there when I needed him - and that was right next door.

After our chat I phoned Mike to have a chat, as I'd promised. I didn't really feel like it, but i'm glad I didn't cry it off. I wanted to test the water and see how I felt hearing his voice. He sounded bored and a bit glum, he asked me lots of questions about the weekend and I answered them all but knew it wasn't the appropriate time to start confiding my worries in him and how I think that things should come to an end. I know that I'll need to be firm, if I give any sort of option, I know that he'll cling on to me and I'll change my mind. I managed to talk myself around in circles.

I'm so tempted to shop...

This isn't really working. I don't like the way that I feel. Something needs to change.