Hello old friend

I don’t think me and Mike are right together.

I miss Chris. Seeing him again reminded me of how much I still care about him.



I’ve a lot to think about today.



There’s a lot to unpack there, rather a lot out of the blue too. I suppose my meeting with Chris was a rather a spur of the moment sort of encounter, but I’m glad that we did it, even though I haven’t told Mike about it. And that's bad. - It's rather telling to how I feel about the situation. I’m just trying to spit out these thoughts and feelings while I’m contemplating what to do and will address the guilt later on.



For a few hours last night, I felt like my old self again. Reinvigorated and energized. I laughed more than I have done in months and we talked and talked, catching up on everything that’s been going on - mostly with him. Traveling to China for work, America with his friends, his new flat, his family, the friends we used to have and what they’re all up to.

As soon as I saw him I just beamed, I couldn't stop smiling. We laughed as we shared cocktails and ritzy dinner and when we finished, we went for another quiet drink in a nice, calm, quiet bar. He addressed my 'seeing someone' as 'the elephant in the room' but said it was all fine and asked me a bit about him. I said I wasn't sure about how I felt about it - that something wasn't right which was the first I'd said it out loud - and it was the truth. I have been carrying doubts about me and Mike for a while. We didn't talk about it too much, I didn't want to although as he rightly pointed out, I didn't want to go into too much detail as i'm sure it would have been a bit hard for him to hear. It was surreal how normal it felt, to be sat opposite him again. To joke and to smile again. I had really missed his tactile qualities, openness, honesty. For a split second I imagined us getting the train home back to our old flat in Almonds. He felt like home to me. For most of the evening he had tears in his eyes.

He said how he'd felt that we never had full closure, that he didn't like how we had ended things. He said he missed me and 'I miss your warmth.' We held smiles and stares.



It was lovely but it was a surprise, I thought he'd moved on with his life. Or even if he hadn't, his pride would have stopped him from saying these things. He said how his New Years Resolution was to be more honest with himself and with others, so he wanted to talk and get some things off his chest. He did do a lot of the talking but it was fine, I was ready to listen - plus he had far more to say. He was hinting at perhaps giving things another go. He didn't put it right out there in black and white exactly, but it was a very hint; how there had always been a feeling of unfinished business, how he felt about going back to what we had; how it would feel double of nothing. 'There are people in my life who miss you.'

Did I feel butterflies? No, I don't think I did. I think I felt more shock. He always puts himself first in these sorts of situations, and he doesn't find it very easy to say where he went wrong. He admitted to me that he felt vulnerable. He said how he felt different as a person to how he was before, like he had a bit more control over his work life and things. I said that not much had changed with me in regard to what I want in a relationship, in my life etc. Driving had made me feel more confident and a little more ambitious in some respects, but basically I was the same. We ended it on a sort of 'lots to think about' vibe. I haven't heard anything from him today, but I didn't want to worry and wait. I sent him the following;



’Hello, yo. I hope you're okay and not snowed in! ☺️

So, straight off the bat; How do you feel about the idea of meeting again next week, maybe on Thursday (if that suits, of course.)

I've been drafting out all sorts of words and thoughts and things but thought it's probably wise to hang fire and allow things to peculate for us both for a time. We could have a bit of space to think about some of things we talked about last night, and reconvene over an actual cocktail n' nibble situation!? (or have giant pineapples and ritzy dinner with infinite water refills again, this would also be fine hehe 🍍)

And of course, if either of us feel that it might not be a good idea or postpone it in the interim, it's totally fine and understandable.



It was just so nice seeing you again but I'm conscious that I don't want to get too carried away in the moment and I want to take this seriously. So yeah, let me know your thoughts and if you'd think it would be a good idea. But if not, then that’s totally cool!'



I thought I'd regret it if I didn't put something out there that's mature, adult and responsible. Plus it'll give me time to assess how I feel about Mike and how to address my feelings. I mean, it is very possible that I got wrapped up in my emotions from the past - looking back with rose-tinted vision like what we had was perfect but of course, it wasn't. Just because something is familiar, it doesn't mean that it's right thing. Maybe my emotions here will fizzle out as the days go by. Much like when i've wanted to see an item of clothing I want to buy, I just close the tab and walk away. Maybe i'll feel the same here too. Or perhaps he's realised what a great thing we were and what we lost. Perhaps he regrets not trying harder to save us. If we ever meet again or even contemplate any of this, I can't make it all on his terms - there are things that I need to say too. We did break up for a reason. At some point i'll need to address what those reasons were, however painful they might be. I've blurred a lot of it out.



Well, I'll have to wait and see what his response is...if any. Who knows, he might have woken up regretting every word this morning.



After I got back home, I spoke to my brother about it all which I've really missed doing. He always gives me great advise and doesn't judge me, eventhough I know he'd go about things differently.

He said that he was concerned about me, and agreed that he didn't feel like things were right in terms of me and Mike. I don't think the house would seem as apprehensive or frustrating to me if we didn't spend so much time together there. Because he feels awkward and uncomfortable, and i'm unable to control that, it rubs off onto me. Although being there would still bum me out, I'd be far more able to just grin and bear it until August. He also said how he felt that me moving in with Mike wasn't a good idea and didn't think it would make the issues dissipate. It's almost too big for me to think about right now. God knows how I can bring it up, if at all.



This is exactly where I feel I should have a break, some time by myself while I think some things through. Time to myself. I need to be free. Right now, I feel completely and utterly smothered. It's difficult to breath.



I suppose I need to stay focused. Chris isn't my ticket out of my misery. It's likely I'm just excited and buzzing off seeing him again when we've been apart for so long. I had a good, fun evening - which I haven't had for a long time. I'm just reacting to that. I'll just have to play it by ear and see how things play out.



I might go and see dad on Sunday and talk to him about it, see what he thinks.