Drifting

I walked on the sunny side of the street this morning on my approach to work, as a sort of treat to myself before this bland Wednesday begins. I should look at this as being a 'one step ahead' situation. I know it's going to be bland, so, why not try and make the most of it? It's difficult, though. It takes a lot of energy.
I went into a bit of a rant yesterday eve after Mike came over, moaning and groaning about work. I don't like moaning, and yet I find that I do a lot in front of him. He doesn't make me feel bad about it, but I do. He welcomes it and says it's good to get things off my chest but I don't want to keep on about the same things that I can't really change yet. I suppose I just feel frustrated. I don't feel as anxious as I did before, though. I'm looking at frustration as being a better feeling than anxiety at the moment. I think i'm happy with the way things are going but as soon as Chris's name pops up on my screen I start to feel doubtful. Why is it that you can only recall the good times when you know there were bad times too? I just miss crying with laughter like we used to. I know towards the end we didn't, but, for the most part, we enjoyed each other and our sense of humor. I miss that a lot with Mike, he's witty and dry but we don't share the same views on comedy. He's very serene. That's not a bad thing, but I suppose it weighs a little on me because it's not balanced with silliness or anything like that.
Chris wants to talk and possibly meet up again which again, is tempting. But why? So I can tease myself once more? I should just say flat out 'thanks but no thanks.' He has nothing to lose by giving things a go with us again but I do. So I am hesitant. I'm back to that again.

If I were truly happy, I wouldn't be tempted. I know myself. I've always done this...but I shouldn't. I know sometimes you need to make an effort to not give in to temptations. I need to treat it like i'm treating chocolate. I don't trust myself with it, so I don't bring it into my house. I'm cutting it out cold. I should do the same here. We are ex's for a reason - I cannot do the same thing a month ago and expect everything to spring back like it did. I was wrong to believe that me and Mike had a blip, because we didn't - it was an outside blip on my radar that came onto the scene. It's nothing to do with Mike.
I do miss the way that me and Chris laughed, dearly. But once I realised that our spark had gone, we stopped laughing.

Why am I drifting? Why can't I see this for what it is?