I shoveled in sugar coated chocolates one fistful at a time while poised on my laptop looking at costly medical procedures to help sort a condition that's been giving me a lot of discomfort and pain over the past 2 or 3 years. It's common and nothing serious but it got to the point where I had to confide this secret of mine with Mike and he suggested that I research how possible it would be to have it treated privately. I started warming to the idea until I saw the price. £2,500 starting cost, at least a week off work to recover and having to confide in my nearest and dearest my embarrassing medical problem...I wasn't expecting it to be so expensive. For a moment I genuinely considered it, but knew I wouldn't be able to move house too - I couldn't afford to do both.
It was a whirlwind bit of research and suddenly I was sat thinking about which way I wanted to feel more comfortable. Was it mentally, or physically? I looked down at the pile of chocolate eggs and then to my laptop screen - something wasn't adding up. Was I being serious?
Of course after sleeping on it, the dropping 2K+ on an operation seemed completely ludicrous, especially as it's not a life or death situation. And what I struggled to face was that even if I had decided to go for it; have the first appointment, get it all penciled in, actually have it done, there's no guarantee that it would go away for good. It would likely come back because I'm not tackling the root of the problem. This is all self assessed of course, no doctor has told me this but then explaining it to them is hard and what they advise is so vague. They just give me packets of stuff to dilute with water which taste fowl twice a day and assume it'll sort it out. 'Come back if you're still having trouble' and of course I don't. I think it's anxiety that attacks me from the inside. It's a very real knot inside my tummy and it festers as I pour more garbage into my mouth as a form of pleasure. I really do believe chocolate to be the culprit. Truly. How could something so common, so innocent, something so integral to my daily diet have such an effect on my comfort, and general well-being?
It's not only this of course, it's a combination of different factors but I know me and I know the relationship I have with the stuff. It's far from healthy. This isn't a weight issue, or some fad diet instructing me to cut it completely (which many do,) but the more I think about it, the more it feels like something I should at least try. And really give it a proper go, not like ALL the times before. God, the amount of entries i've come out with these grand plans to avoid chocolate at all costs, to then cave in and gorge a couple of days later. I don't think i've ever made it a week without having some, i'm just so addicted. I know 'addiction' is a term thrown about so easily and loosely these days but for me, I think it's true to some degree. I associate it with happiness, stress relief and joy. I automatically crave it after anything savory. Mid morning, after lunch, evenings watching movies, playing games, drawing. I always want it. I can't stop at sensible amounts, no, I have to devour the whole bag. I'll often buy several 'more to share' bags of different types and open them all at the same time and dip in to each until they're empty. The following morning, actually - most mornings, I wake up and my stomach is bloated and my head feels foggy. I feel slow and heavy, almost hungover. It usually wears off by lunchtime by which time i've bought another chocolate based treat as an afternoon pick me up when i'm feeling bored or stressed. Any mood i'm in equals a reason to eat some chocolate. Peckish? Have some chocolate. Upset? Chocolate will make you feel better. Happy? Celebrate with a bar of chocolate. It's Friday? Better get those triple chocolate chip cookies you like that are the size of your palm and eat 3, you know, really see the weekend in in style.
What people would consider treats are my every day. People don't believe me if I tell them. 'Oh you can't give it up, you love it!' or 'Don't be silly, you don't need to cut it out, you're fine the way you are,' referring to my weight. But, they can't see what it's doing to me internally. And yet I vividly recall the times where i've drastically cut back chocolate and upped my fruit intake to feel so much better. In nearly a week, I wake up feeling fresher, my mood is so much more constant, I feel lighter. I don't feel as though I have crashing lows, or so angry at myself that I hit myself. Or certainly not as much as I do now...
It's a mental game. This is something i've suffered from for a long time. It's not all chocolates fault. But, I do use it as a way to cope when i'm feeling anxious or upset about something - as many of us do. But I've been feeling predominantly anxious and upset for the past 2 years or more - my current habits are clearly not solving anything or making me feel better in the long run.
I've known this for years. I know the amount of it I eat and my general relationship with it is bad. I want to compare with with how an alcoholic might relate to a bottle of wine. I feel relief when i've bought myself lots of chocolate - so much so that i'm embarrassed by my shopping basket which looks like preparations for a children's party. I find comfort knowing that i've plenty in 'for an emergency' but of course, there's no emergency, any situation will call for me opening a bag or four! I'll see the purple bag sitting on my desk and i'll tuck right in without a second thought.
And if we're getting really deep, (and heck, why not, i've gone on about it long enough, why not get it all out of my system!) I think it harks back to the days when I was a child, mum would always be very strict with sweets and chocolate. We'd only have it on saturdays, after dinner, if we'd been good. I loved it, I absolutely adored it. Dad wasn't at all strict though. Clearly, I get my habits from him, he eats things in the same way as me. When mum and dad divorced, dad used to buy all sorts of treats; chocolates, crisps, dips, cheeses - his packed lunches were the best. He'd make sandwiches and would put in apples and grapes too but throughout my teens i'd eat only the sweet stuff and bin the fruit, guiltily. I suppose I found a comfort in the sweets while everything else was a mess. My relationship with mum was strained, when we moved to hers we were constantly moving from house to house, me & my brother wanted to live with dad, then we had serious money troubles, all while I was struggling with general adolescent discomfort & angst...chocolate was something reliable that made me feel better for a short spell. Nobody was checking how much of it I was eating, so I'd have two bars, maybe three. I'd tip one bag of crisps into another bag to disguise the quantity. God, this sounds like a 'food confessions' AA meeting. I've known it all along. But, only now do I feel I truly know it. I'm getting older and I want to take care of myself, I want to be healthy - I want to be the best version of myself. And I can't keep on as I am now, I can't keep eating it at the rate I am, so much so that I can't digest food properly and am in constant discomfort. It's not worth the trade off! I've been telling myself that because i'm not obese, it's fine. And as I don't drink much, I don't smoke, chocolate is my vice! It's perfectly allowable. Everyone has something, and chocolate is my 'something.' It's my weakness.
I've tried giving up chocolate in the past, but it was different reasons. This reason feels serious. If I can give it up long enough to perhaps notice a difference, well, it would be worthwhile doing. And hey, if it doesn't, well then it's something I can rule out. Chocolate is loyal, it will still be there in 6 weeks time!
Don't get me wrong, i'm riffing off the motivation - not the determination, it's only been 24 hours. I worry that it'll make me miserable. Especially when time of the month is rolling around - I crave it something fierce. But the misery now can't be worse than the way my stomach feels as it aches and when my bowels feel inflamed (sorry, TMI.) I don't like the idea of denying myself anything but, I think this I really need to. I can't eat it in moderation, plain and simple. I know myself and I know I can't be a normal, decent human being and just have one or two squares of Dairy Milk - no, I have to devour the whole bar, or if it's a big one, a good half of it or more. I can't just have dark chocolate and savor it, no, I tried that. No - I have to eat it all as well, at the same rate. Once I buy it, I know I own it and I can't ignore it. It's like a siren calling at me through the night. I can't forget about it until I've eaten it all. And then I miss it and want more. I almost want to say that it adds to my anxiety; the desire of it, the guilt of it. It's complicated! My relationship with chocolate is complicated haha. It's one of those relationships where I need to cut it from my life, i'm not getting anything from it... it's poisonous to me.
Rant over!
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