I've been rather out of sorts most of yesterday and today. I requested a half day yesterday which my boss okayed, I just needed a bit of time and space to think and just do some ordinary things in my own company for a while. I've been thinking about Chris a lot and I started to worry when I hadn't heard a reply from him, but he messaged this morning so I felt a little relief to see his name appear. Crazy though, what difference an evening makes! Where has this all come from?
He said that a week felt too soon for us to meet again (which is probably right,) and suggested the 12th instead, which I agreed to. I like that he's taking it seriously, but I do wonder what all this might mean. Does he actually miss me as a person, or does he miss being with someone? He did take me for granted, I need to remember that it wasn't all roses and laughter, I felt pretty sad and alone at times. I need his reassurance that it won't happen like that again. I should write up a list of pros and cons, things to bring up and talk about if we ever do meet up again...I'm pretty confused about it all to be honest. It just feels as though it's hit me completely out of the blue. Is that how these things go? Is even contemplating this a good idea? It's throwing me off already. I've another 10 days of trying to figure all this out, I don't know how I'm going to concentrate on anything else. Which is bad, because, there's a lot of other things I need to think about!
Mike stayed last night and we spent some time hanging out today too but I was feeling a little emotionally withdrawn. I could tell he could feel it and I felt terrible for it. He doesn't mean to be intense or clingy, it's just the way that it is. When I'm with him, I look forward to time by myself but as soon as he leaves I feel bad. I feel guilty. I shouldn't be feeling the way that I do. I shouldn't be tempted to end things just because Chris might be back on the scene again. I mean, how often has he even crossed my mind? He has more in recent weeks more than ever because i've felt weighed down by where I live and a bit claustrophobic by my and Mike's time together. Mike reminds me a lot of Olive and the way he used to be with me and it irritated me no end. I couldn't take it for much longer than a few months, and I realise that soon me and Mike will be approaching the half year mark and I do wonder if I want to continue things as we are. It doesn't feel right somehow. I shouldn't even be thinking about someone else when everything's apparently fine in my current relationship. I suppose I just knew it when I saw Chris, it just made me feel safe and comforted. It's not that I don't feel either of those things when i'm with Mike, it's just, he's so sensitive and gentle I feel like I tread on eggshells around him, scared I'll offend him or upset him. That can't be right.
But I can't be rushing into anything rash. There's a lot at stake really.
I've decided to look into studio flats, I think a wise move is to get away from my current house set up and into my own surroundings where i'll feel more comfortable. I'll be able to look after myself better, start up my art again, take some time just for me. After that, I can think about what's best for me in terms of relationships. I don't feel like i'm in the best place now to make such a big decision.
I'm going to drive back and see dad tonight and will spend the day with him tomorrow too. I hope to share with him these fears, thoughts and recent changes and see what he makes of it. Perhaps he'll talk some sense into me...I hope so. It'll give me some breathing room away from here and ground me a bit from my first-world problems that seem to be taking me over at the moment. He should give me some interesting perspectives on things, as he'll be able to remember things better than how I do now...
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