Very bad mood

What's wrong with me? My body aches with sadness, not with pain. It's almost like it hurts to hold my head up. 

Yesterday I met Mike after work and we went to a nearby restaurant for dinner. It was impulsive but nothing ritzy, it's a place we frequent and know what to expect but it's still nice to be doing something different.

I was accutely aware of my mood, how I wasn't saying much, how I was a loss for words but didn't know why. Usually I can chat about anything but I just couldn't string words together. I perked up a bit after dinner, and we walked to the station and chatted happily but I felt my mood plummet as we got closer to the house. 

As I laid on my bed I felt my eyes fill with tears and that was it. 

I just wanted to disappear. Terribly embarrassing. This perfectly nice, caring, thoughtful person in front of me offering their comfort, and all I could do was cry.

Pathetic. What a pathetic state I have become. I'm so angry at myself. I just want to be fine and happy again, i'm fed up of this shit. i'm fed up of always apologizing after every moment I seem to have, so fucking many of them. Intolerable. I wish I could be anyone else. I don't want to be in this body anymore, I just want to be free. Free of the weights pulling me down. My mind. My emotions. I feel so trapped. I can't leave my job, I can't go and do what I want to do, i've jumped ship so many times in my life i've wasted time and soon i'll be too old to have a family, i'll never afford a house and Mike will get fed up of this shit and leave me...everything's going wrong. IN MY MIND. - nothing has happened! Nothing is wrong! It's all in my head! It's my fucking hormones!! They won't let me live.

BREATH. 

I've got to breath in and tell myself that this will pass, as it always does. This isn't the first, it won't be the last. Just breath, hope and hold on.