Rosy glow past

I spent last night with my brother and housemate making dinner, catching up followed by observing them both construct a piece of flat-pack furniture. It was entertaining and their cooperation and team work warmed my heart. I felt like I was having a nice time and although it wasn't organically occurring and the evening did need to be engineered by us all, I do hope we can do it again soon. I am less stressed by the house dynamic when it's just me there. And getting ready for work this morning on my own was a bit of a treat. The bed to myself during the night, taking time to do my make-up, choose my clothes, watch something in the background...it's some 'me' time. I've missed it, for it has been a while. 

It makes me wonder if me and Mike spend a little too much time together - well, actually I know the answer already - we do. Sometimes I do feel a little smothered. I do lack independence when we're together because he's so intense. Always watching what i'm doing, wanting to touch me, wanting to do anything and everything I want to do. It's lovely, don't get me wrong. And I know it's coming from a place of love and interest, not of insecurity. But when I was sat listening to music on the tube ride into town (a pleasure i've also missed,) I felt my heart sink a little when I looked about. I observed people and contemplated their careers, their lives, their happiness. For some reason it made me think of the lovers of my past, I wondered what they were doing now and enjoyed the memories replay in my mind (the nice ones of course.) It made me miss my dating days, the flat I used to have before I moved with my brother while I was trying to get my life back on track. I don't miss it enough to be tempted though. And as soon as my heart twinges, it then warms when I think of what I have with Mike and how lucky I am to be so loved. I just need to communicate how I need a little more time to myself. Especially when i'm in such a small space. I know things will be different and more relaxed when we live together, we won't be so on top of each other. 

It's the 9th today and it feels as though it should be later in the year. I know January is always slow but I think because i'm starting 2019 on a different foot, with new intentions and ambitions, changing my mindset is challenging. What feels normal; browsing online stores, putting in bids on Ebay, looking for things to want, is something I'm fighting to refrain from doing. And it's difficult! I've already learnt a lot though, and about my spending habits in general. If I really can maintain this, not only will I benefit from more funds but a new confidence in myself - to actually kick a habit. To lay something out, plan it, and stick to it. Goodness me. I think then I'll feel ready for absolutely anything. I think when I feel a little fresher in my mind from all the clutter, as well as in my surroundings, I'll feel more focused to get on track in other aspects, such as my work. Can't call it a career because ha, it ain't that. 

I want to do something positive and good with my life. I don't want to waste away my days staring blankly at a computer screen. I want to put my skills to something that will help others. I'm thinking about looking into becoming a nurse. I just wish it wasn't so expensive...is it worth paying debts for the rest of my days? I'm feeling like it might be...