Sometimes, I do miss my old life. The two bedroom flat, the location away from this daft city, the familiarity with someone I was once so close to. Did he know me as well as I thought he did? Maybe I didn’t ask when I should have done.
I miss being giggly and...happy. Every day is a rush to get away from the next thing. Home, work, myself. These are days are far from fun but I know time is precious and my days are numbered so I need to make the very best of every opportunity. It’s difficult when things don’t present themselves as an opportunity.
I booked for a doctors appointment on the 11th and hope to get on a list to receive some counselling at some point in the future. I guess to know that it’s to come would be reassuring, even if it’s a long way away (of course it will be.) Paying £70 an hour, on they can fit me in tomorrow. But I can’t afford it, even if it’s one of the most important things. Maybe I’ll treat myself next month, I know that I should.
I don’t want to take tablets for how they made me feel last time, I don’t want to rely on a pill to make me feel better because I know in the long run it won’t work. I’ve too much buried deep down that keeps pulling me back in on myself, instead of flourishing outwardly. It keeps me eating chocolate and afraid of the gym, keeps my mouth closed and afraid of voicing my opinions. It keeps me from feeling free and entitled to live my life, I’d never throw it away but surely one of the saddest things is to waste it, when so many would love a go at this life.
Things aren’t as bad as I think they are, I’ve just got to keep telling myself that. Yes, my house situation is far from perfect - it always is! There is an end date, even if it feels far away, it’s a date all the same. And if I have to get out sooner well, I will. It would be nice to get my ducks in a row but sometimes ‘you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.’
Work seems suffocating but thats only because I feel I have to stay while I’m so uncomfortable at home. When we see the back of this month new potential changes might be on the horizon and who knows, maybe I’ll be able to jump ship.
My relationship feels intense and cloying because I can’t breath at home or at work. When we’re together, we’re sharing a space I don’t particularly like - it’s not his fault but it’s also not mine, it’s something that we’ve got to push through. He is patient and he wants a life with me, that’s something worth holding dear and not taking advantage of.
Just got to take each day, keep trying to do my best, try and take the rough with the smooth. Somethings got to give, soon.Sometimes, I do miss my old life. The two bedroom flat, the location away from this daft city, the familiarity with someone I was once so close to. Did he know me as well as I thought he did? Maybe I didn’t ask when I should have done.
I miss being giggly and...happy. Every day is a rush to get away from the next thing. Home, work, myself. These are days are far from fun but I know time is precious and my days are numbered so I need to make the very best of every opportunity. It’s difficult when things don’t present themselves as an opportunity.
I booked for a doctors appointment on the 11th and hope to get on a list to receive some counselling at some point in the future. I guess to know that it’s to come would be reassuring, even if it’s a long way away (of course it will be.) Paying £70 an hour, on they can fit me in tomorrow. But I can’t afford it, even if it’s one of the most important things. Maybe I’ll treat myself next month, I know that I should.
I don’t want to take tablets for how they made me feel last time, I don’t want to rely on a pill to make me feel better because I know in the long run it won’t work. I’ve too much buried deep down that keeps pulling me back in on myself, instead of flourishing outwardly. It keeps me eating chocolate and afraid of the gym, keeps my mouth closed and afraid of voicing my opinions. It keeps me from feeling free and entitled to live my life, I’d never throw it away but surely one of the saddest things is to waste it, when so many would love a go at this life.
Things aren’t as bad as I think they are, I’ve just got to keep telling myself that. Yes, my house situation is far from perfect - it always is! There is an end date, even if it feels far away, it’s a date all the same. And if I have to get out sooner well, I will. It would be nice to get my ducks in a row but sometimes ‘you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.’
Work seems suffocating but thats only because I feel I have to stay while I’m so uncomfortable at home. When we see the back of this month new potential changes might be on the horizon and who knows, maybe I’ll be able to jump ship.
My relationship feels intense and cloying because I can’t breath at home or at work. When we’re together, we’re sharing a space I don’t particularly like - it’s not his fault but it’s also not mine, it’s something that we’ve got to push through. He is patient and he wants a life with me, that’s something worth holding dear and not taking advantage of.
Just got to take each day, keep trying to do my best, try and take the rough with the smooth. Somethings got to give, soon.
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