In effort in stay on track this year in terms of spending, i've decided to create a new blog dedicated to my ramblings and findings. I'm sure it'll only be for my pleasure but having it as public means I've got a lil more in the way of accountability, whereas if it's all behind the scenes it makes it easier to crumble and give in to temptation.
I want to take it seriously and something I realised was becoming out of hand last year, was my diligence at checking my online bank account. I believe I started off last year strongly, making sure to check every day. But the last part of last year, I didn't check it for weeks at a time, too scared of what I might find. How bad is that? I knew things must have been bad if I couldn't bring myself to check it. I was blaming the wrong things; food, travel expenses, meals out. Sure, they make indents on my monthly wages, but nowhere near what I was actually spending on clothes and beauty products. Sure, I might have sold a few things here and there but again, no where close to balancing things out. Working out the figures for last year was staggering. Truly horrifying. I went to bed thinking about it and woke up thinking about it even more. If I ever needed a wake up call, that was certainly it.
The fund have been sunk now, there's no point in giving myself a hard time over it. It just made a fair few things clear;
-Nobody else is going to be checking up on me and what I spend.
- Not checking my bank account for fear of feeling guilty is a real red flag.
- A good 85% of all I bought last year were impulse purchases, influenced by boredom or sadness.
Mentally, there's a lot to unpack in last years spending. I know it's fine to treat yourself, i'm sure compared to other people it wasn't so bad and I still made rent each month. But my reasons weren't because 'I've an event coming up and no formal/suitible clothes' or 'all my make-up got lost/stolen, I need to re-purchase it all.' No, they were 'I wonder if I can find a Vivienne Westwood dress for a really good price on Ebay,' and 'Oh that lady's telling me this eyeshadow palette is the stuff of dreams, buying it will lift my spirits.' - Without the sensible side of my brain stepping in to tell me; 'Of course there will be a dress, there will ALWAYS be dresses' and, 'i'm sure it's a nice palette but you have all those colours already' ...I ended up spending thousands of pounds. Thousands! It could have all been put towards a deposit, a holiday, a meaningful experience.
Well hopefully, this sickening feeling I feel will last me throughout the year. I'm sure it'll tail off though and i'm not sure what tact i'll take when i've been having a rough patch emotionally, it'll be really hard i'm sure, to not open up one of my favourite sites and trawl beautiful things, add them to my basket, wait for them to arrive in the post. But the buzz is short lived. I have to think back to the things I bought mindlessly and ended up selling, giving away and donating. It's an awfully high percentage.
I need to stay focused. I need to keep my emotional well being in check as my as my physical well being. I've lots to look forward to this year, I've got to stay focused on my goals and hopefully the rest will follow suit.
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