Haven't laughed in a long time

I look about the packed tube carriage and wonder how many people would say that they felt genuinely happy with their life?

I ask myself the same. I can't say I do feel entirely happy at this time. 

The Northern Line speaks for me as it winds and weaves in the tunnels, screaming and screeching through the darkness. It's a pain I cannot pinpoint and one I cannot voice. I just feel it, my joy draining away from me as I stand and contemplate what my next move is. 

I love Mike but I am doubtful. He is serious, highly emotional and highly dependent on me and on top of everything else; the flat, the job, the family situation I want to be more involved with but can't be, the aches and the pains of not being where I want to be is just...sucking the life out of me. Sometimes we have a moment together and it's fun and lighthearted, it's like he relaxes and things are normal again. But more often than not, he's nervously trying to gauge my reaction to something or tries to fill the silence with some dull, boring chat about god knows what and i'm finding it difficult to remain patient with it. It's like we've skipped forward 20 years. It leads me to wondering whether living together would be a good idea. Would any of that improve? I like to think that it would, because i'd be happier in my own space - our own space. We could keep a cat and eat nice food and be comfortable, and I have none of that now. And when I'm happy, relaxed and at ease, he absolutely is. I just hate that I can't have a down day because then he'll be awkward and quiet and it irritates me and brings me down all the more. Trying to talk about this is like talking to an injured child. With shiny eyes looking up at me sympathetically. It's when I feel truly mean. How could I be frustrated at someone so sweet and innocent? I wonder if i'm taking on more than I can handle at the moment, he's more wounded than I originally thought. I want to help him, I want him to feel truly relaxed around me. I just dearly hope that he will with time. And the more I think of it, the more it makes sense. His family are kind and sweet, but almost sickly sweet, they're opp operating on a lower level with less excitement, less going on, it's their own bubble and they seem happy. It's a slower pace of life in a quiet little town where they've lived all their life. But i'm not surprised he always wants to be with me and do things all the time. His home life is a real contrast. There is nothing wrong with any of that, it's just...a lot. It's not fair of me to assess his mental health when mine is all over the place. And it's not wise for me to make any assumptions or judgments when i'm not happy or in the best place. 

I need to put a plan together of how to get out of that place...

* 

My best friend helped pull me out of that awful, appalling mood in my last entry, thank goodness. And last weekend, my dad did. I love him so much. I never want to leave, going to see him is when I feel truly safe. It's where I properly laugh too. I love laughing, and yet I haven't for a long time it feels.