Taking me over

Cancelled on Chris again for the second/last time. I feel tremendously guilty and sad.
I cobbled together a very sorry explanation, saying I was having to cancel because everything has been so intense and i'm not doing so well and, as a result, I wouldn't know if I could keep it together if I saw him.
Some of this is true, I mean, I don't know how I'll feel when I see him. I have a feeling I'll feel an overwhelming sadness at his familiar friendly face, and want to hug him. I know that I don't miss him in the 'him and me' rosy glow sort of way that I did/still do when I think of Joe. I know that we weren't a the best fit. But, I know that we'll have a nice evening. And, truly I don't know if i'm in the right place of a nice evening, mentally.
But it's a nice evening that I shouldn't be having, though. Mike didn't know about it and, his suffocating ways have made me feel that he was cottoning on to something - probably as I was being vague, and I know he's trying to catch me out. So, I cancelled. I thought it might be painful now, but it'll likely be less painful than having to explain to Chris that I have a new boyfriend now and to Mike some made up lie about going for drinks with work friends or something. He's a clever one and I know he knows me well enough to sense if i'm off about something.

I'm lying a bit to Chris, that's one thing. Why I don't come out with; 'Sorry, I can't come tonight because my new boyfriend will be jealous,' I don't know. Why I don't come out with 'I'm going to meet Chris to catch up as friends for dinner this evening,' to Mike, I don't know. I fear how it'll make them both feel, and the repercussions.
Thing is, it would be perfectly acceptable for Mike to feel a bit weird about it, and Chris for that matter. If I can't tell Mike the truth, there's a problem. So, instead i'm losing a friend.
I'm dreading Chris's reply, he's a nice understanding person but I suspect that'll be the last time he tries to make plans. I've got to let him get on with his own life. And me with mine I suppose. I would love to be friends...I do miss him a lot. But, i've got things to sort out before, I simply cannot lie to Mike - if I found out, eventhough nothing would have happened, it would have ruined his trust in me. He's incredibly self-conscious and cares for me so much. I had to ask myself if meeting up with Chris would be worth losing Mike over and of course, it isn't.

I do think I need to nip a few things in the bud with Mike though. I've been feeling very anxious and claustrophobic. My life has become completely saturated by him. I've let him do this, i've let him take over. I need to get some control back again, otherwise i'll have nobody left but him. I know he doesn't mean to make me feel this way.

Sigh. Hate this feeling. Probably coincides with time of the month too...I suppose it's like how I felt with Olive. I hated letting him down but knew that I had to, it was the right thing to do. I threw myself into work and kept busy at home and soon I moved on from him. I know that i've got to do the same here. Olive was pretty smothering too. I let him do that to me too. It eventually ended up pushing me away.

At least this evening I'll be doing what I said i'd be doing all along; having an evening in just me, catching up with my Christmas stuff and artworks, watching something, chilling out. He'll call earlier in the evening ('to not interrupt me later' he says but I believe it to be code for 'to see if you'll pick up') and i'll take the call, all will be normal, all will be well.
I think my New Years Resolution in 2019 will be to put my foot down more. To be my own person. To not let other people try and control me...I suppose he just cares a lot.