Cancelled dinner plans

I cancelled tomorrow's dinner with Chris. My heart did sink as I hit send on my lame 'something's come up' message, and I will feel sad when I see his reply and perhaps disappointment, but I know it's the right thing to do. I wasn't being honest with Mike about it all, in fact I was being rather secretive. He didn't know about it, I said that I was going for dinner with work friends instead and...there's something not right about that.
The moment I start doing things like that is the moment we're no longer pure and innocent. I could see the look in his eyes, trying to unpick my dishonesty, I could sense he was nervous about something, perhaps he know it, perhaps I gave it away somehow. When I mentioned it to my brother, he asked outright 'how does Mike feel about that?' and he frowned when I said that he didn't know just yet. He shook his head and advised against this decision. After I thought I'd do what I liked, it would be fine but, of course it isn't fine.
I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to worry about it. I didn't want to have to explain why I was going, because I didn't really know. I still don't know why I want to. Curiosity? Just to see him again, really. I miss him. He pops into my mind more than I thought that he would, it must be something about this time of year. I guess it's this time of year, when we were rocky. I miss his silliness, his confidence, hearing his stories, his laugh and facial expressions. As I walked up the steps to my office door I asked myself what I would really get from seeing him. We'd have a lovely time, i'd feel guilty about it, perhaps we'd remenise and I'd then feel sad about it and dwell on what we could have been. Perhaps he'll have changed, changed for the better - start looking like the guy he used to be before the change of job title and all the seriousness, perhaps I'd see myself with him again. Perhaps changed for the worse, arrogant with a holier than thou attitude, destroying my fond memories of us together.
Really, I think it would be the first, I'll bet his the same as he's always been. I loved that about him and i'm sure I still will. And for that reason, maybe it's best I remain unaware, especially while i'm still feeling a little...tender? A bit uncertain and unsettled. It's these things that usually contribute to me making bad decisions, running the risk of losing someone who's offering me everything I could wish for. He'd be heartbroken finding out about it, understandably. He doesn't deserve that. And Chris doesn't deserve being lied to either, because for some reason I probably wouldn't want to harp on about Mike either. It's just, silly and complicated and I shouldn't be inviting that sort of situation into my life now. Aren't I past all of that? I certainly should be. Haven't I learnt by now? I'd love for us to be friends but, I do worry that i'll see him and want to kiss him - not even in a romantic way - I don't fantasize about him at all, or even think about us together, But in an affectionate, caring way, just as I used to. If we were meant to be together, we still would be. We're not. I'm holding on to the past. I need to look into the future with open eyes. This morning as we walked to work, Mike said as we walked out the door past a mother and child walking to school 'aw, I could just imagine you, on your way to your luxury job and me walking our little one to school...' he smiled, his cheeks all red. I grinned and held him close. We walked to the station talking about our desired 'broods' which was lovely. I love how open he is and how he doesn't mind saying these things and simply putting it out there. I hope he means it. 'Well, it's important to know where each other's at. I've always been a little on the fence about it, but knew it would change being with someone who I could actually picture bringing up children with.'

I feel so lucky. And for that reason, I really should hold my ground. Hopefully I'll be able to meet Chris soon, but when Mike knows about it, and is okay about it. I hope he'll trust me.