Wait it out

It's been a bit of a crazy couple of weeks, it's been ups and downs and I mostly feel down as a result of it all. I have really struggled in keeping my anxiety in check, it's just been overtaking me so whenever I get a moment to pause, I feel well and truly burnt out.

I went to look at a flat a second time, this time with Mike and during the daytime. It was possibly the 4th or 5th out of others I had seen and definitely caught my eye; quirky sloping roof ceilings, top floor, oven, washing machine, separate bedroom. It needed some love, of course but I did like it. I didn't love it, but I thought was like was enough. But the more I thought about it, the more put-off by the idea I was. The whole move is going to cost me at least £2,500 and that's money I don't have - especially during the lead up to Christmas. I feel defeated by this, but it saves me the hassel of confronting my housemate, my brother and finding someone to take my room. I know i've just got to grin and bear it, eventhough I make my way home so anxious of what I'll be faced with. It's so...complicated. Because, it's not like there's ever anything bad waiting for me, like an argument, festering rubbish, drugs, a house party of strangers. But still, I feel anxious about it. It's an intense environment and I just want to live in peace. I feel so guilty, as i'm living with my brother who I love so much - I hate letting him down, he knows I'm unhappy but I worry he thinks I could be doing more to help myself but, I don't want to. I just want to blend in, I don't want to try and be like them because I'm really, really not. I'm significantly older than them all, I have no strong political opinions, I hate debates, I hate people being in my personal space, commenting on what i'm doing/no doing, having to put on a face the entire time. And I thought i'd be sharing with 2, it transpires it's actually 3 people...I don't care for their relationship either, I hate being around it.

But, i'm trapped. I've no real money to get away. I'm trying to sell my things to help get something but...it's so tough. I sold my bike earlier this week and that was a moment. It was difficult parting with it, eventhough I never use it. It reminded me of my past life with Chris. I found myself missing him and had the overpowering urge to message him. It just so happened that he sent me something unrelated, but it made me smile. I'm glad the bike has now gone to a good home, she liked it for what it was, will use it and enjoy it which is much better than it taking up space and rusting.

Why can't things be easy? It's never straight forward. Why do I always seem to find myself in situations with people I don't like!? Maybe it's me.

Mike has been wonderful through all of this. He's been so supportive, and helpful, kind and caring. I feel so lucky to have him.
I feel as though that's the only thing going right for me at this moment. At the weekend I stayed at his parents place, we played games and hung out lots, it was so nice. It was a breather away from everything that has been stressing me out. So I suppose I do have places to escape to occasionally. The pace of life is so very different from the London life and I find myself tired for other reasons; talking lots and being 'on,' it can be intense. But not as intense as other environments for sure.
We went to a Christmas market which had an outdoor farm, we enjoyed looking around, being cute and silly. When we got back to mine he said how he'd loved it and 'it's times like that I look at you and think that you'd make such an amazing mother,' he smiled. 'I want to have all of your babies,' I smiled bashfully - knowing full well it was an extremely serious thing to come out with 'I want to!' He grinned. I mean, I'm not sure if he means it, I mean when we've lightly joked about it in the past he's given light responses. But I know that when it comes to when me and him get a place of our own, who knows, (perhaps that'll be sooner rather than later,) I'll bring it up then. Not in a 'right now' way, but in a; 'i'm so sure this is something I want, and it's something I want with you. I don't want our lives to tangle together if we're not on the same page in that respect' kind of way. He's possibly the first person i've ever been with who I truly believe might actually think about committing to me. I can hardly believe it. I mean - all of that is a long way away, nothing is certain, everything could change, but, I've never felt so wanted in all of my life. It fills me with hope. Hopefully hope strong enough to get me through the next couple of months...