I'm really going to try and make a conscious effort to change the way I think whenever a 'oh god, what have I done with my life?' sort of moment. The anxiety kicks in as soon as I sigh and I think about my old school friends and everything they have and try and stop the negative 'i've taken a step backwards' fears. I suppose it's just taking me a while to settle in. Instead of feeling apprehensive, I should spin it into a positive; got the weekend to yourself? It's your house too, relax all over the place! Worried about potential guests/company that might be in your front room? Mingle in with them! Nervous you don't have anything planned? Enjoy it, make the most of it - it's what you desperately need. I'm sure it'll fly by. I'm okay during the week because work keeps me busy and i'm exhausted so I sleep and then it's another day of the same. When the weekend comes around I realise I've no friends around me/in general and i'm in a house full of young kids in love, being all loud, opinionated and carefree...I feel like nothing. I know I need to fight this and join in but I resent my recent decisions because I shouldn't have to 'fight' anything in a space which is meant to be safe and HOME to me.
But it's hard. It's so hard trying to change a habit so ingrained in my being.
I say I fear that i've gone back a step in my life but then meeting Michael has been a gigantic leap forward. He's the first person I've ever properly met who I feel really...wants me. Who knows, maybe he'll want to marry me and give me children one day.
I definitely want to live with him, I can see us living together well. I just want to skip right ahead to that stage, but I know that's wrong - I need to enjoy this bit the most, because you only get one of it. I'm really looking forward to him coming back, I really miss him.
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