Besotted

At long last, I think things might be resolving. My eyes are red and blurry, skin looks patchy, pasty, I feel as though I could sleep for years. My body aches and feels heavy. I've no idea where anything is, i'm living out of boxes and bin bags. But, i've a new room and, a new home. I just want to fast-forward this bit and already be settled in but I know that takes time, which can be tough because i'm impatient.

Although the past few days have been rather chaotic, and my body feels as though it's about to shut down, I do feel content. Michael helped me so much with the move, he helped turn a potentially stressful ordeal into a fun day filled with pleasure and with laughter. The days leading up to moving out he stayed most evenings and we made the most of the space and ability to make noise. I'm aware that now my and my brother's bed are separated by a thin wall, one can't be as expressive as before and I don't really want him hearing our more intimate moments. Michael admitted he would miss my old room as it was the place where we had some good times, and for that I am thankful. I ferried as much as I could in my car before he came over which worked out well though I still had lots left over. The following morning I briefly cleaned as best as I could before the new girl moved in the evening, and Michael kept me company, watching me on my hands and knees trying to make the best of a tatty situation, sweeping and packing with the occasional kiss and embrace. We talked freely about all sorts of things as I did, I brought up my general anxiety, how I was generally an anxious person and we talked about our experiences, he shared openly and it felt so good, it wasn't something I felt I had to be cautious about. It's just very easy to talk to him about...everything.

We wandered about the streets of Hampstead in the sunshine, marveling at the beautiful houses and the cobbled streets. He said how he felt as though we were on holiday. I thought about what other couples thought as we walked past them, the happy families frolicking about in gardens, could we join them one day? We walked about hand in hand, talking and sharing, we ambled to the heath and sat in the sunshine eating ice lollies. We talked about previous relationships, which was interesting but natural. It was something I was curious about but, was going to wait a lil longer before addressing. From what I gathered it seemed his longest relationships were about 2 years or so, and had lived with them. It all sounded like things ended in a civil way which was unsurprising as he doesn't seem to be someone who likes to attract drama. Once I'd unpacked a little in the new place, we were talking in bed and he went on about some weddings that he'd been to, the best ones and the awkward ones. He surprised me by asking outright 'so what about you, do you want to get married?' I joked 'right now?' to mask my surprise but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. It's ridiculous how much he's a part of me and my life already, he knows so much about me, I just want to be with him all of the time...I have thought about how it would feel to look at him as my husband. But that's because i'm daft, excitable and romantic. However, I tried my best to be cool about it. Said how I liked the idea of marriage and what it represents, but i'm not too fussed by the idea - weddings are expensive and it's not as essential as it used to be. He said he agreed and felt the same about children too, which kinda stung a tiny bit - but to be fair, he said he felt 'on the fence' about it, how wasn't really sure. He asked me and I said 'yes, it is something that I want' although I wasn't in a rush and I understand why people wouldn't want them. I said it was just something I knew that I wanted, and thought i'd be good at. He agreed, which was sweet. I don't know where that leaves us but it's good to get things out into the open - as it was another thing i'd wanted to ask but knew I should wait of course. I loved that he just went ahead and asked anyway. It's too soon anyway, we haven't been together too long at all, plus people's minds can change and who knows, maybe his will too. Perhaps when the more time we spend together, the more right it'll feel? There's no telling, there's no way of knowing. It's the sort of conversation that might have made me feel disheartened but it surprisingly it didn't. I can see him being a wonderful father. Though thankfully, i've been so stressed and exhausted lately my broody feelings have been pretty non existent, so I didn't take it as a negative. Sigh, I wish I could slow my imagination down but I can already imagine living together...

When we met on Saturday evening, he held me close and said 'Now, i've got something to tell you,' and went on to say that he's going away for 3 weeks next month for work. He was nervous telling me, which I thought was cute and considerate, but I was expecting it as he'd said it was a possibility from the get go. I will miss him enormously, but it'll be an interesting time when it comes around to see how we both fair/feel. He said that although my reaction wasn't going to affect whether he went or not - he has to go, he still wanted to ask me first, which was so sweet to hear. 'I want to support you,' I said, and he hugged me and said how nice that was to hear. How he thought I was pretty sound and would have been fine about it, he was still a little worried 'because I really like you.'


I really like where things are going, though I can hardly believe it. I feel alive. I feel like a teenager again. I just want to love him. It feels as though there's so much that's happened I can't put it all into words.


'You're just so lovely to be around. You make me feel crazily happy.'

'I'm a bit besotted with you.'


'I almost typed 'home' but (Sorry if this is too much!) but I kinda think of being with you as more like home, as i'd much rather be in your bed than in mine'


I'm expecting my deposit back from the previous flat any day now and have already spent a bit of it on a nice B&B in Brighton for the two of us...