Last night I was just...intolerable. I tried to sit and paint but I felt so uncomfortable and irritable. I watched some more of a series i'm ploughing my way through which is nearly over, it killed some time but it wasn't enough to distract me. I sang in the shower, which cheered me a bit, the joys of an empty house. He called me and we had a nice catch up, he told me about his weekend which sounded nice, smoking a bit of weed, drinking whisky with his friends in a homely airB&B, it all sounded very civilized and he feels nice and rested. I realised why I felt on-edge and apprehensive, was because I kinda knew what was coming. He'd set me up for hope and was going to let me down, and in a way, he did. The conversation went on to what I was doing this week, On Thursday, I said that I had arranged to meet my friend from Uni. He was hoping we could meet. I was hoping we'd be able to meet today or tomorrow, but then he's got a lot of uni work to catch up on and has friends and family to see. It made absolute sense, of course. I suddenly felt selfish. I told him that i'd booked a place on Friday and he said that it sounded perfect, so that's when we're meeting. I shouldn't have felt sad, but I was hoping we could enjoy the empty house and my current state which will surely change by Friday, sods fucking law. I might be wrong, but I doubt it. I almost hope so, so I can snap out of this dreadful mood.
The thing is, I made a bad mistake. I have made this into a big deal, where it isn't one for him. And i'm not at the point where I feel that we can communicate this, because I don't know what we are and I don't want to appear as though i'm trying to control his plans - it's not my place at all. I've been building up this stupid gift, past bad experiences, personal time and energy has been spent on it and I have no idea how he's going to react. I wanted to see him sooner so I could get it out of the way. Witness his reaction, see if there's any sort of progression or regression, perhaps he'll run a mile - I don't want to wait for that, I'm fearing it. I want to get it done. So now i've got to get through this painfully slow and boring week, to find i'm sure he'll be kind and pleasant, but nothing much I'm sure. Probably not what i'm hoping for. I'm hoping he'll open it, see the thought, the attention, the time, and be so moved he'll want to establish what we are, and we can move forward and he'll be elated. What my negative, cynical mind believes will happen? He'll open it, say/wonder if it's a drawing I did ages ago and just didn't show anyone and wrapped it, say thanks, move on.
Will I be able to hide my disappointment? Like the actresses and actors of the Oscars, I've got to practice the face that hides this emotion and claps gladfully and graciously at the winners. Perhaps I'll be so let down I'll just unburden it all in the air regardless. I don't think i'll be able to bottle it up for much longer.
I shouldn't assume the worst but hey, it's just the way i'm feeling today.
As we ended the call I couldn't help but think 'is this even worth it?' I saw the guy I went on a date with before him appear on my news feed and suddenly thought about trying to meet him again. Of course I won't, it wouldn't be fair and it would have been for the wrong reasons. I had lost the positives and the excitement and wondered what I was even bothering for. I pictured myself setting up a new profile and starting all over again. It was harsh, but it's the truth. I was a bit upset at how he was prioritizing everything else - which shouldn't even cross my mind because he's undertaking a whole level of work i've never experienced. He's just spent time relaxing with his friends. In some ways coming last place might leave the most memorable mark.
I'm going to test the waters. See how I feel when Friday comes, see how the day plays out, the evening, how he is with me. If i'm not happy, I'll know what I need to do.
COMMUNICATE.
No comments:
Post a Comment