This is what I signed up to

What am I like.
I awoke during the night just feeling as though something wasn't right and low and behold I wake up to find a message from him right at that moment. I ignored it though and it was good that I did as I probably wouldn't have got back to sleep again afterwards after reading it, as this morning when I read them sleepy eyed, it got me up and out of bed. A bit deflated, if I'm honest. He said his weekend wasn't looking so free anymore and that we'd have to do them another time. It's fine, of course. This is how it goes. I knew what I signed up to. It's just my stomach sank; what am I going to do now? I should never pin all my hopes on one person, never. And he isn't the most reliable of sorts, it's probably why i'm on edge all the time. But I know the best thing I can do is be supportive, he doesn't need any additional stress. I offered to go and pick him up in the evening and come back to mine to stay, we're going to chat this evening so hopefully we'll be able to sort something out.
Olive has piped up again and wants to see me over the weekend, before he gets married. Married! God. I feel for his wife to be though, unfortunately she doesn't know what a devious sort he is and she deserves much better. I don't want to be getting involved in any of that, but am curious to hear what he's been up to and i'm sure we'd have a fun time hanging out. It would have to be during the day, somewhere with people.
I tried to cancel it last night but he's being as persistent as I remember., possibly moreso. Perhaps I'll meet him after all now that Phil's being all vague. It wouldn't be right though, to do so out of low-key spite. Plus you can be sure that if I do, come 2pm I'll get a text saying 'hell with it, lets meet after all!' and i'll be in the awkward position with someone who is...clingy to say the least. It could open up a whole can of worms. It would also be the first dishonest thing in our relationship, if I can call it that (yes, I can, why oh why do I doubt that so much!?) I've got art things I should be doing anyway. I should use the weekend to chill and relax, have some me time. Olive will fuck up my mind.


It's not a big deal at all, none of it matters. Nothing bad has happened. All I can do is hope for the best, do my best and be as easygoing as possible. It's tricky though, maintaining the flexible image when internally i'm anything but.
Hopefully tomorrow me and my brother will spend some time hanging out which will be fun i'm sure, that will be a nice distraction. Plus he always listens to my thoughts and troubles and helps put me back on the straight and narrow. I think i'm in need of this.

I know it's okay to not be fine with everything that crops up though. For now it's okay but I mustn't get into the habit of just pretending i'm cool with everything when perhaps i'm not...