Red flags

My body aches and my wisdom teeth are starting to push through as they always do, this time of the month. The build up, sigh, it's at least 2 weeks of misery and feeling uncomfortable and in pain. But I suppose i'd take that over feeling enormous, self-conscious and putting chemicals in my body. It's telling me that everything is how it should be I suppose.

It's rather nice to be typing this at this time instead of first thing in the morning like I usually do. I've been occupied at work which is a nice change.
The weekend was nice, although it went too quickly. Saturday evening he went to a friends night out and came back and stayed at mine. It was so nice, i've really missed waking up next to him. I still feel a little uncertain at times, but then again I suppose it will take time to really suss how I feel. I know I sincerely care about him and when i'm with him, i'm so happy. But occasionally he comes out with things and it just leaves me wondering 'is it just the way you're wording it, or do you really believe that?' On the Sunday morning/afternoon we had breakfast together and chatted a little. Something was a little different I suppose but then he did say his mood is affected by alcohol the following morning and I totally get that - I experience the same thing (well, only after he leaves.) He asked about how i'd been feeling, I said i'd felt better, fruit in my diet was helping things. I mentioned how I felt getting anxious certainly didn't help. He asked what I got anxious about and I found it difficult to answer, 'everything' felt too vague and too dramatic although mostly accurate. I unpacked it a little but not too much as I knew it wasn't really the right time, eventhough he had asked me, I guess I wasn't prepared to go into all the ins and outs so it moved on a little 'I just stop taking on other peoples anxieties and issues' he said in an almost off-hand sort of way 'I used to do it with my ex and it was a really bad idea.' He acknowledged that it seemed cold. 'Don't worry, I do care about you!' he sort of corrected himself. 'Well, I suppose it's easier said than done,' I say in response, 'I mean, I do get it but it's not something I can personally do.' It's the truth but I also said it to make him realise how it came across. As a person who likes to talk through my problems, it doesn't make me feel particularly welcome, especially as it's someone who you love and care about. I know he doesn't mean it as it sounded, but the fact he still said it made me think of one of his flaws - he is selfish. I think he's had a pretty easy time of it. And he knows this, he tells me this, he doesn't shy away from admitting the things his mum still does for him; his washing, cleaning his room, buying him boxers...I mean, that's a red flag. I don't want a mummas boy. It makes me concerned for our future. If there even is one. Perhaps we'll always be 'this' but it'll take years and years to even consider moving things forward. I might be wrong but, at the moment...i'm not sure. I need to reassurance but it's still such early days, he could change. It'll be interesting once he finishes his PhD, I wonder how things will be then. If we even make it to that.
I'm being blunt and harsh because of my emotions today, I'm sure tomorrow i'll look at everything in a far more rose-tinted way. I know that he's only got his past experiences to go on and his ex was very negative and weighed him down. His sister is pretty negative too, so I suppose if you surround yourself with these sorts of people, it's going to shape how you view others. But i'm not a negative person (outwardly, anyway) and he should see this and know that his concerns are not applicable with me. I've got to give him time to this for himself. And if he doesn't, well, I'll know what to do.

It's my birthday next weekend. I have no idea how to feel about it. At the moment, i'm pretty indifferent about the whole thing. I'm not excited, that's for sure. I'm not expecting anything. Particularly from Phil. I'm almost dreading it because I'm sure it's likely that I'll feel dissapointed....