Had some nice chat last night, he sounded tired. His plans for next weeks summer school aren't really going as expected and he's lots to do before Monday. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he tells me he won't be able to meet in the evening after all. But that's okay. It is how it is! I've offered to go and pick him up in the eve, whenever he's done, go pick up some food and come to mine and play videogames. Just made it sound nice and cosy, which hopefully it will be. I had a nice catch up with dad afterwards and mentioned this, his response was 'oh right, yes of course,' in passing and...it really made me realise how much of a big deal it isn't! So, what if I don't see him at the weekend. Does it really matter? Of course not. It would only matter if I felt it was because he wanted to avoid spending time with me. And i'm not getting that sort of vibe at all, so, it's fine. He's got so much important stuff going on right now, all of which takes priority. All the things we plan on doing will still be there for the future. It's only because I don't have much of importance going on which means I latch on to the idea of spending time with him. Hopefully he has no idea of this. Sigh. Just, find myself addicted to this feeling, the feeling of him next to me, the way he makes me smile so much...it's sickening, 'I feel like punching myself!' but, I can't deny it.
After I hung up I browsed the net as my eyelids went heavy and I saw a message from Harry, the guy who I went on a date with before Phil. I felt happy to see his familiar icon but a little guilty too, I hadn't responded to his last message and felt awful about it. I don't know why I did, he didn't deserve it. He was and still is a lovely guy. I still think about him. Not so much our date but the way he translates through social media - his creativity, his humor, his poetry - all resonates with me so much. He reminds me so much of Joe it's unreal. It sort of spooks me a bit. But he makes me feel comfortable. But I don't desire him, not at the moment anyway. Why would I anyway, i'm with Phil! But, I felt so happy that he was giving me a second chance, in a way. I mean, he wasn't asking for a date or anything like that, but he was just checking in to see how I was. I replied and explained how a lot of family stuff had gone down which had taken up a lot of time (which is partly true,) it wasn't anything he had done. He deserved that much. He apologized for being a bit over the top with me previously, which I don't think he was. It was nice to feel appreciated. I just felt bad that I wasn't letting myself respond in the same way. I'm sure I could have, if I had let myself...i'm not sure. He's replying again and it's as if no time has past by. It's nice but, he is a little intense I suppose. I'll reply but maybe fade out, be a bit elusive. Because i've got to be careful, in these situations I often get carried away in the happy chat and somehow avoid the awkward subjects; relationships, feelings etc and therefore lead the other person on and make it hard for myself to explain...sigh. I really need some friends.
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