Mon Amour

Wednesday.
I wish I could find a way to start these entries without naming the day. I suppose it's what's on the forefront of my mind; the week, how it's slowly progressing, how I'm reluctantly getting through it, facing another day. It's hard when there isn't something to look forward to. I always feel like the festive months go quickly because it's all building up to the big day and the new year, but these summer months without a holiday booked, just feel slow indoors.
I'm hoping me and Phil will be able to enjoy and do something over the weekend. On the Friday evening i'm meeting with my brother and his close friend to discuss potentially flat situations. We've talked about perhaps all moving in together. This idea both excites and makes me nervous. I'm excited because I do believe that it'll be the first time in a very long time, that i'll be in a houseshare that I actually like, enjoy and will feel like home. It'll be great to live with my brother and his friend, who i've met a couple of times. I believe it'll encourage me to be more social, to get out more, to be more involved in things. I'm nervous because it'll be moving again, moving is always expensive however you look at it and i don't have much in the way of funds. I don't relish the idea of telling my Russian housemate, who I imagine will be disappointed. I also really like my current room, eventhough it's probably too much to be paying, I really like it, the luxury of my own bathroom, the memories it holds of me and Phil. I know that wherever I move to next won't have these lil luxuries, I'm sure i'll be fine without them - especially if I'll want to spend more time outside of my room. I think it'll be much better for more mental health, to get out from where I am at the moment. It was ever only meant to be a base, a start-up place, re-building my life after moving out of the old flat with Chris. The things that bug me about the place won't get any better, i'm sure of it.
Of course, these plans might not come about, but I know if my brother puts his mind to something, it'll happen. And I suppose now is as good a time as ever to go for it. Hopefully I'll be able to start saving again, which will make me feel a little more positive about the future. There is a part of me that wants to hang fire though, as perhaps me and Phil might get a place together - but woah, that's thinking very far ahead! It's assuming a lot of things and I don't know any of them for sure. We won't have been together long enough. I know it's different for each couple etc but, I just have a feeling that for him he'll need more time. He's never lived with a partner before, so I doubt he's in any rush. He'll likely have his own reservations. So, I can't hold out for that. I could miss out on a fun opportunity, there's no guarantee that me and Phil will last, but me and my brother will and right now, I think I need the comfort of something constant.


It's stuff to think about.
Before then though, on my actual birthday the flat have organised a flat-warming party. I'm irritated that they could both only do the day I said I couldn't, but eh, that's how it goes sometimes I guess. It's going to be an interesting, surely awkward affair. Part of me can't wait, the other is dreading it. It's going to be a bunch of strangers getting lairy one side of the room, and some older, more serious folk sitting trying to have a conversation on the other side with me, my bro and Phil standing awkwardly in the middle. I plan on getting very drunk indeed. I know this isn't something that should be planned, but it's been so long since I have and I think this occasion calls for it. It could well be a last hurrah. Hopefully by this point we'll all have an idea of what's going on in terms of living situation.
It's a mess organisation wise, I thought house parties were to be pretty free and easy but they've both taken it upon themselves to come up with plans and timings. Both have different preferences on drinks, whether or not there should be food, all that stuff I really don't give much of a hoot about. But anyway, we'll see how it all plays out. Part of me hopes that I'll be able to slink off and do/be somewhere else. Seeing in my 28th year with people I don't feel 100% comfortable around doesn't really light my fire. I want to be with people I care about.
My housemate and I hung out in front of the TV yesterday just chatting and she suggested maybe Phil organising a surprise of some kind for me. I genuinely don't think this has even crossed his mind - I mean, it would be wonderful, but i'm expecting nothing at all. Because, I doubt he's even thought about it! I don't think it's his style. But that's okay! I just want to be with him really. Urgh. So lame. I feel so...childish. So exposed. I want to enjoy everything I'm thinking and feeling but at the same time, the pang of worry just overtakes me and stops me cold. I can't let myself be free and live in the moment. Like a rock in my gut. Just constant discomfort.
I'm hoping that my changes in diet will eventually help make me feel better, a bit more alert, less slow, generally healthy and maybe a bit lighter. But I know this will take a few weeks to balance out. For now I just feel cranky and hungry. We're boyfriend and girlfriend now, I should feel better about having this established now. I suppose I do a bit...I suppose when work is a bit dull it makes me obsess and focus on things that aren't really there. I need to try and focus on keeping busy, not dwelling on things too much.