I'm forcing myself to type out more because I need to get a handle on this anxious knot I have in my stomach and try to figure out what it's doing there. I can't just accept that it's appeared and that it's fine, so often I tell myself 'it is what it is,' and let it rule over the rest of the day, week even. But I know that if I try and break it down, i'm able to see it for what it is - me assuming the worst without any facts to back it up.

Why I do it? I don't know. Because i'm not used to feeling happy? Does this come from some deep rooted past event where I felt blissfully happy and it was then suddenly stolen away? I can't recall this. I suppose it was since I moved out and didn't have the support of my parents to help talk me out of this mind-set as I started to brew it up in my mind. It's a sort of power, in a way, having myself poised and on-edge, keeps me sharp. By being ready for the worst I can tell myself that I was right, to help soften the blow.
Why I feel I deserve to do it? I don't know. What's wrong with enjoying the happy moments, ignoring the fears that might become realized? Every single person in this world has high moments and low ones, but not everyone panics about the low moments swooping in when things are good. Some people never worry about this happening, and if it does, they just adapt to it and move on to the next high. Why can't I be like that?

It's going to take years for me to break out of this mind-set. But I run the risk of spoiling the good times worrying about what bad could come. I'm scared to type this out for fear of jinxing it. Is that even how it works? Really though, why would he suddenly leave me? If I did something upsetting, that would do it for sure. Have I? No. Perhaps an unforeseen circumstance outside of my control. I will never know if this will happen, nor will he, and if it's not something I can control, why worry about it? I worry about blowing the opportunity for something great, I want to fast-forward time to a place where we're more secure. I cannot fast-forward time, it's going by fast enough as it is, why wish that, and the opportunity is here right now, so I need to just keep holding onto what we have for now.

I think he's too good for me, but why? Why don't I feel as though i'm worth it? Because i'm used to settling for anything. Just to be with someone who likes me. That's some low-confidence shit right there. If he wants someone else, someone better, wouldn't he just go and find that person? He'd tell me straight. Whatever will happen, will happen. I've just got to keep being, keep doing my best - which is what i'm doing.

I'm so cold.

I hate this fucking office.