I like how it's shaping

It's about 3.30am, we're basking in the humid evening, the effect of the wine and cocktails have worn off, I no longer feel their buzz but I turn to him and ask 'So I have a question for you.'

He looks at me intently, he reacts in a way that sparks a familiar quote from a movie we like or something and I talk about it far too long, trying to deter from what I just asked, hoping he'd forget, stalling myself, I wanted to back out of it but knew he wouldn't forget.'Go on, you said you had a question for me,' and smiles. I look away and hide my hands in my face, admitted I felt like a 13 year old and didn't mean to be awkward, but I felt it. I could sense that he felt more serious before and there was no way I could distract him from it, I had to just bloody do it.

'Well, I just want to know that we're on the same page...' I say quietly. 'I mean, would you say, we're more than dating, right?' I even think the song that was playing in the background ended at this point.

'Oh yeah! I mean, I'd call you my girlfriend at this point,' my body goes warm. I feel elated but foolish. 'You've given me no reason to believe otherwise, but, I was assuming and thought it would be best to know for sure,' he agreed and said that he'd never had 'the chat before' in his previous relationship, so it was a bit of a first. He said he believed our dates being the first 4 times or so, but after that it was more 'a thing.' He hugged me and we kissed and I felt a wave of relief wash over me. He laughed at how it had been 4 months, how he'd met my brother and we'd done so much together and how it would be a bit silly to think we were dating after all of this. When he said it made sense but in my mind...it's a different story. The story i've been slogging out pretty much on a daily basis for the past couple of weeks in this flaming blog! I said how it had been 4 months but felt like longer. He agreed but then said how we'd done so much in the time we'd been together....aww.
It was a perfect ending to a wonderful evening, and although I was bashful and felt so small, he didn't make it a big deal at all. I do wonder how he and his ex established what they were, I suppose they just went along as they were and that was that. I suppose some people can do that happily, sadly I cannot. Terrified of being caught out, caught off guard.



Before all of this, I met him outside of the station and we ambled about in the sunshine. We sat and people watched for a while as we talked and he snacked a little. We went and had a cocktail and the bar we've visited before, it's always got such a cool vibe and their drinks are so good, we were able to sit briefly and then it was time to go to the restaurant. It had a cool, contemporary vibe, it was busy but wasn't noisy and the food looked so beautiful. Honestly, it's not my favourite cuisine but I ate well considering my options are usually limited. I wanted him to have anything he wanted, and he picked out a nice selection, we shared a nice bottle of wine and enjoyed it and it all flowed together nicely, I loved watching him close his eyes with each mouthful, truly savoring it. We shared a tiny pot of desert and a refreshing cocktail and we left fairly late and fairly tipsy. We got back to mine where he was met with his gift wrapped on the bed along with the card. He opened the card and 'awwwed' I smiled and looked away as he read the message within it (; 'My dearest Philhouse. Philbert. Philistine. All of your names!! Happy Birthday! I hope you have an absolutely fantastic day and I wish you a year ahead full of success, happiness and joy! You're the sweetest, kindest most wonderful person I have ever met and don't know anyone who is more deserving of it all, i've no doubt that you'll achieve anything that you put your mind to. I'm excited for what the future has in store and I hope you know that i'm here to support you in any way that I can. These past few months have been incredible. You make me feel so happy, so inspired, and so...myself, and it's been a long time since i've felt that way. For that I feel very grateful and very lucky! And I hope that we continue to share many more memorable times together.' I signed it with 'love' and three or four of kisses - things we don't leave on our exchanges. I'm not sure why, but it's not his style really. I'm used it now where it bothered me before.) He gave me a hug and a kiss. He couldn't stop looking at the front of it and saying how cute it was, he said that he was usually the one to do sweet things for others but had never received them himself. I felt so pleased. He loved the picture and marveled at it for a while. He said afterwards how he secretly hoped that I had drawn him something, which made me feel evenmore happy. It was just wonderful. Probably one of my favourite gift exchanges ever. The night went as it usually does and the following day we slept in, had breakfast and he went to meet his friends to watch the England match. I stayed home, did a few chores, whilst watching it and he returned to collect his things and headed home. Yesterday I drove to his (a novelty that will never wear off!) and was met at the door by his sister, who was surprised to see me. I did feel a lil nervous as i've been primed that she doesn't much care for surprises but she kindly invited me in as I waited for Phil to arrive from wherever he'd been. She described this as 'classic Phil' which made me smile, I understand that timekeeping is not his forte, but I didn't mind. I chatted with her briefly and her boyfriend while they were milling about and then he appeared. We went in his car to a local park forest and wandered under the shady trees eating icecream and took photos with my instant camera. We went back to a nearby pub and drank and ate a little and went back to his later where his sister was doing a bbq. We bonded over our love of halloumi and me and Phil played games while they prepared food. It was good fun and I was glad to be amongst them altogether although I do worry I chat a little too excitedly. Gail although a bit stern is actually very nice and I find her interactions with her brother amusing, as she does like to boss him about - even when I was there! But he doesn't seem to mind. I do remember him saying how he didn't feel as though it was his house, and I can totally get that, having been in the environment, it's mostly her things but then maybe he doesn't plan on staying there long. Their arrangement seems to be working out okay and i'm pleased because I know he was a bit concerned about this before he moved in. I made sure to be overly polite because she's not the sort of person who I want to annoy in any way - certainly not at this stage. But as I left and Phil walked me to my car I warmed at visions in my mind of us hosting them in our very own flat or house even, super relaxed and fun. I'm jumping the gun, of course but, it's a nice image and one I do hope it will become reality one day. I like how we're similar in our approaches, him and I, I like how he's easily lost in terms of directions and doesn't seem too phased at changes in plans. But he doesn't seem directionless in terms of his career or finances (we don't discuss this but, he seems very level headed - unlike me.) I suppose internally I am phased by these things, but when i'm with him I don't care - he's the only person I want to be with in the moment, he's the only one I ever want to be with, he calms me, I don't want to be apart from him...so clingy, so needy, god. The more time we spend together the more familiar we are around each other, I love it when he rubs my back or leg or puts his hand out for me to hold. I really do love those moments. For me it's easy, I think I remember gently touching his arm on our first date even. And now as we walk I often link my arm in his.

Everyone is different, every couple is different, there's no point in comparing where we are to others. But I like how it's shaping.

Finally my mood is evening out and I feel...happy again.