It's Wednesday and i'm feeling pretty good as mornings go. Lately, i'm not so sure how I'm going to be when the morning comes around so it's a nice surprise. It might have been sparked by a few work colleagues purchasing some artworks of mine which is so kind and supportive. It's helped reignite that spark which has since dissipated after the completion of Phil's birthday piece. I only want to make things for him...
I feel as though i'm on such a high, in spare moments I find myself looking at cute, romantic illustrations of couples with glowing warm colours in fond embraces. They convey exactly how I feel at the moment, i'm so hungry for his being next to mine. It's ridiculous, I'm acting a good 15 years younger than I actually am, but in truth i'll always be like this, right until i'm 80. Who knows, maybe still with Phil. God, that's a lot to think about. Of course right now I beam and think 'of course!!' I wonder how often i've felt that previously.
It's so quiet in the office and most of my colleagues are sullen, I've decided to treat myself to sneaking an ear piece into one of my ears so I can listen to something lyrical to help this afternoon move forward. They really do drag these days. It's an old, much loved album and it takes me back to the times I listened to it on repeat, singing the depressive lines back, quoting it, feeling so in tune with it, as if it's an album only for me.
We spoke last night on the phone briefly which was so nice, it was late and he was on his way back from uni and wanted to congratulate me on my latest art commissions which was so sweet. I like that I can talk to him about it all, he gives good advise and is so encouraging of it all.
Today I can't stop daydreaming about holidays with him, waking up in bright rooms sleepily wrapped up within each other, wandering cities taking lots of pictures...coming home to our own place, lovingly decorated, maybe a cat or dog awww. I always jump the gun, get carried away in these dreams, I can't imagine he's there yet ha - after 4 months? He was with his ex for 2 and a bit years and they didn't live together. She was further away, but hmm I wonder why they didn't? For me it feels natural, but it's natural for me to give all of my heart, every piece of me. I know not everybody is like that, so I'll just be patient and wait and see how things play out. Enjoy these daydreams for what they are, the not knowing if these have potential to become reality or not, but that's okay - I assume they are, and carry on getting lost down my rose-tinted road...I've missed this. I love this. While it's sweet. While anxiety gives me a rest. Feelings are feelings, I've got to embrace these good, personal, secret moments with myself as much as I apparently take on the bad, destructive ones.
I'm excited and I want this to last. I'm foolish and I should hold back sometimes, I'm sure in a few days i'll be back to those negative, haunting thoughts...I don't want to be hurt by my own doing. But, life's too short to not allow myself feeling this sense of joy and relationship ambition...I could die tomorrow...
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