Day by day

Is this what I want? I ask myself as I drive away. Is this going to be what I want it to be?

Dusk was turning to night, the street lamps guided my way through the streets and I drove like I had always dreamed of driving; peacefully, with music playing as I mulled over my thoughts without interruption.


It was a nice evening, I’d gone over to his instead of him coming to mine, which made more sense than him staying at mine. He said how he’d need a good nights sleep and was going to his parents for it, which again, made perfect sense. I have to check myself before jumping to conclusions, I know it’s not a personal thing and he admits being funny about his sleep and sleeping conditions, all of which I cannot seem to offer at my place.

It was a nice evening but probably not one of our best, we weren’t really in our usual flow, I could tell that he was tense. His sister came home far earlier than expected which I think threw things off a bit, we couldn’t do as much as I think he’d planned but it was still nice to see her, and chat a bit.

We’d eaten some food in his garden, he kept checking his phone, texting his mum and I just thought it best that I go. I suppose it was a bit abrupt of me but I did feel a bit of a spare part, and I didn’t want him to feel as though he was doing me a favour but letting me hang around. I’m easy going but I know how to cool things off a little and as I did his mannerisms changed, he was more touchy feely and didn’t want me to go. He said how he was a bit on edge about his upcoming months and how they were likely to be intense; he would probably have to work the hardest he’d ever done in his entire life. ‘As long as I’m not adding any additional stress’ I say, and he comforted me. I know what I’ve signed up for and the last thing I want him to do is prevent him from doing his best, so I’m being as supportive as possible. I’m scared I like him too much though and I’m just being or will be, a pushover. I’m scared that he’ll finish his studies, go travelling, then leave. It’s daft, it’s stupid and it’s unfair - these thoughts are irrational and unhelpful, I can’t tell what the future holds and thoughts like that won’t prevent anything from happening. But I’m just worried for the future I suppose. I worry that although highly intelligent, he’s actually rather immature - I have found this observing his simple day to day life and his time management. But it’s still such early days, I’ve just got to play it by ear, take each day as it comes and see what happens. That’s all I can do.


This morning I texted him to let him know that I was on my way to my brothers to do some work and keep him company and amongst that I wrote; ‘aw no no, you’re wonderful - no more of this ‘I don’t make things easy a lot of the time,’ alrighhhht!? I want to say ‘I totally understand all the work you’ve got on your plate right now,’ but in truth, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything of that scale before so, I probably don’t hehe but know that i don’t think you’re being difficult or anything like that, you’re just doing what you need to do - and I want you to your absolute best!! And I want to support yuz all the way, and understand that while you’re grinding away on your verrrr important thesis, we might not see each other as often as we’d like, or for as long, but that’s completely okay 😊 so, I hope that gives you one less lil thing to worry about! But of course, do tell me if there’s anything I can do to help.’

I’m sure he’ll reply much later this evening as I sleep, our usual routine. But, eventhough its perfectly reasonable, I still feel a bit scared. It isn’t helping in terms of my ‘pushover’ qualities. Sigh. This is reminding me of me and Alex and how I felt when we were together; never fully comfortable, because I really struggled to read him. I struggle to read Phil too, we're still very polite around each other and still need to 'warm up' a bit when we first meet, but I suppose that will naturally change over time as we grow closer together. I know that things will probably move a lot slower than me and Chris did, and that's no bad thing - I mean, ultimately, me and Chris didn't work out and i'm starting to wonder if our rushing into things was a big part of that. But anyway, I don't suppose i'll ever fully be comfortable until I am comfortable in myself. It's going to take me a while for that to happen I'm sure.


I finally deleted Olive from my life. I told him I wasn’t going to see him and that his words and likely actions would make it impossible for us to ever meet and that I was sorry. He said he understood and that was that, I deleted him. It’s definitely for the best, and who knows, maybe it’ll make him think twice about what he’s doing to his wife to be. Probably not, though.