Friday after work I wandered to our arranged meeting point, following the crowds of anti-trump protesters. Although everyone was pleasant enough, the swarms of people with large banners and posters do make me feel a little claustrophobic and when I saw his adorable face although I was so happy to see it, I was a little rattled. Sometimes I forget where I am but its moment like that where you're suddenly reminded you're in the middle of the throbbing city, the capital, where it's all happening and privacy and seclusion are hard to come by.
We went to the pub where we had our first date and chatted over a drink. I could have easily had more but it was good that I didn't, it's expensive. We went to a restaurant near my place and instantly perked up after some food, we laughed lots and went back to mine where the evening continued until the small hours.
He always manages to surprise me with how easy he makes it for me to open up to him. About anything and everything. Even the things that i'm embarrassed about and thought i'd never share with anyone. Somehow we had got onto the topic of fruit (he'd bought some,) and I commented at how i'm not much of a fruit person, eventhough I know that it's good for me and helps my digestion significantly. He took interest and I went on to explain some issues I have and how doctors don't really know how to help it, but I know things like chocolate don't help and yet I stay addicted to the stuff. He opened up tabs on my laptop, downloaded some technical papers, really listened and gave advise, said he'd continue to look into it. The level of care just, warmed me to my core. Though I felt slightly ashamed, how a 27 year old isn't really taking the care that one should, to think I want to be a mother and yet I can barely keep myself together.
At first I worried that his obsession with his body and what he puts into it would put me off, but i'm starting to understand it more. At first I almost turned away from it, thought it was odd and gave him a sort of 'good luck with that,' attitude. But he's helping me open my eyes and it's helping me think more about what I put into my own. I mean, it's only day two, let's not get carried away! And I won't ever be at the same level as him, his ways have been laid out by years and years of routine. But I like how he doesn't laugh at me.
The following morning I got up before him and got myself ready for the day, my best friend from home came to visit and wanted to take photos in and around London. I was worried about the timings and if things would work out okay but they did. As he slowly woke up she arrived and we caught up in the kitchen, he then came down to meet her. I love them both and it made me so happy to see them together. She was her usual happy, bubbly self. We all ate breakfast together and chatted, it was so easy and fun. They hit it off well and when I gave her the briefest of tours, she shared her approval saying he was the best partner i'd ever been with who she'd met. Phil in turn said how lovely she was, how bubbly she was and so easy to be around. It was a success and it made me feel thoroughly happy. I do hope they'll meet again in the future.
Soon he left to go home and go about his day and we went and enjoyed the sights and sounds of the city. We talked lots and shared, she took lots of photos and before I knew it, it was 11pm and she had to drive back home. The following day I drove back home with my brother and saw mum. It was all really lovely but by the time we got back I was exhausted, only now do I feel as though i've caught up with myself.
Last night we chatted on the phone it was so lovely. One of the first things he said was how he'd seen the photos 'they look so beautiful! You look so elegant!' it was so lovely of him to say, it made me giddy and excitable. He was really so kind, 'your cheekbones, your long neck, you look like you could be a Dame! or a swan!!' hehe it made me feel really good, because from him, it really means a lot. Someone as incredible looking as him, I hold his opinion dear. I shouldn't really, I shouldn't need his encouragement to feel good but...it is nice to hear.
I can't remember all that we talked about but I remember it being so nice and I felt sad when 12pm came around and he said he needed to leave me to it, I never want him to hang up the phone. I do hope that i'll be able to see him at the weekend. It's silly how much I miss him already. Sigh. Of course, this makes me feel anxious. I still feel the nerves I did when we were 'dating' as I fear it disappearing, but soon it'll be 5 months and I suppose it feels as though we've been together less than that. Maybe it's because we tend to see each other over the weekends, not so much during the week. But evenso, I should look at that time as a comfort.
When Robs was over and I was getting changed in the bathroom I could hear them talking and I heard him say '4 months...yeah, yeah, it feels like longer because we've got close very quickly' or something like that. It made me smile. To be honest, I can still hardly believe it. Still feel like I need to pinch myself.
This morning a colleague said to me 'I have to say, you seem and look so much happier in this relationship than in your previous...I mean, you were content and happy I guess but now, you're like, ecstatic!' I thanked her for this as now I realize this too. I don't remember the last time I felt like this. I don't think I did with Chris, which makes me feel a little sad to say. I have fond memories of him and me and when I see pics of him on social media, I still want to hug him but it's affectionate, not passionate. I suppose that's what it was.
Still feel it on the tip of my tongue, still feel the desire to tell him how much I love him. On Friday evening we joked about an area of him looking like a heart and he said 'there you go, I (pointed to his heart/ the 'area') you,' or something - see, my memory tricks me into hearing him saying it, I can't be sure but I do know that it was a joke and I laughed lots. Even him gesturing it, putting the phrase together even as something light hearted still makes me feel happy about it - it confirms that he does say it, and doesn't mind saying it. It's all very silly really. But i'm sure I'll say it soon enough, just like 'the chat' it gets to a point and I obsess over it so much I cannot contain it anymore! Probably in the heat of the moment or something. Sometimes I wonder if he's said it but I didn't catch it...probably not. I mean, in other aspects it's kinda been me initiating things, our first date, the chat, usually asking what he's up at the weekend. So I doubt this will be any different. I just don't want him feeling pressured to say it back when he doesn't want to, though. That's my absolute concern. Or if he doesn't say it back, hmmm that would hurt. But then again, I just want him to know. I feel like he needs to know...
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