The cheesiest thing I think I'll ever say; I didn't believe 'love at first sight' existed until I met him. But it's true.
I feel on the whole, very happy. Earlier this week I told him how his phone call late one night asking me about how I was doing, how my family were doing and offering support just made me feel as though a whole weight had been lifted from my shoulders. As I typed it out I felt it snowballing into a paragraph of gushing words but as I backspaced it all, I re-typed it out. I wanted to share this with him, why hold back? I am grateful that i've someone close to me who genuinely asks me questions and cares about my responses. He's only ever come across that way. I told him I thought he was wonderful. He replied later that evening expressing how they were the loveliest words he'd ever read and that he in turn felt supported by me, he felt fortified. It was nicely worded and made me feel good, as I really do want to support him in any way I can, so i'm pleased that he's noticed.
Since then i've been on a pleasant buzz ever since and our messages feel a little different somehow. I can't exactly pinpoint how but they just seem a little 'closer.'
Tomorrow we've plans to go and see this bigged up, rather scary looking horror movie with his sister and her boyfriend. I'm really looking forward to meeting them. I'm not nervous, but, I suppose the situation is an unlikely first meeting. But I like that it's a gentle start. I very much hope that I come across well though. I'm weighing up what to wear, I want to look nice for Phil but not too crazy/colourful/arty/sexy - anything that might make her feel uncomfortable. But then again, I'm just going to go for what feels natural to me. He's coming to stay at mine afterwards which i'm really looking forward to, just feel like we need to do some catching up after last weekend I was hit by a wave of headaches and eye-migraines. I'm going to call him this evening for chit chat and to finalize plans.
When I met up with my brother earlier in the week for a catch up in the park, he said that if I felt like I wanted to talk about 'where things are going' then to just goahead and ask. There's not a lot to lose, I mean, he shouldn't really be surprised by my asking. But then again, some old school part of me feels I ought to let the man lead. I also tell myself that there isn't really any reason to rush, if we're meant to be together then why steam forward? this is the part that is always over so soon, i've got to try and enjoy going with the flow. In my gut, it does feel like that's the way it's naturally progressing. Perhaps he's waiting for me to meet his sister first before knowing for sure. If the moment feels right, perhaps I will say something but for now, i'm just going to enjoy the times we share and hope that he enjoys the time he spends with me.
I'm hoping soon me and Chris will at last have our deposit back from our old flat. It's been a long time coming. I really need the money. It will also be a bit of a sad moment too of course, because when I have that money back I guess we won't have a reason to keep in touch. I don't believe that will be the end of it completely, but over the course of the past couple of months most of our convo's have been regarding the landlord and chasing this dang money.
I suppose if I do talk to Phil about making it all official, it'll be sending a strong message to Chris and i'm not sure how he'll feel about it. I mean, neither of us have said anything about getting back together, no hint whatsoever. But, I suppose if I saw he was with someone new i'd feel a bit odd maybe - especially if I wasn't seeing anyone. As far as i'm aware, he's not in the game at the moment. But would he tell me? Probably not. I guess that's what's holding me back a little bit too, to respect him and what our relationship was - which was over 3 years.
So yeah, I'm looking forward to tomorrow evening. Tonight i'm going to work some more on his birthday present and watch a film or something. I've booked off Monday and Tuesday next week too as a sort of holiday to myself. I've hardly any days left until the end of August but that's okay, i'm not planning on going away. It reminds me of last September and the holiday we went on where we both knew without saying a word to each other, that something wasn't right. It reminds me of Dan and how he's still in the background, messaging occasionally. I'm still tempted to go and see him but, depending on how things go this weekend I might not. I don't want to introduce him into something that's...really good at the moment. I don't need him messing up my thoughts. But I am genuinely interested in seeing him, to see how he's doing. Who knows. I'll play it by ear. If I know me, I will. I suppose if i'm comfortable in myself and how I feelings, it should be fine. But it's if there's a sliver of doubt, that's when he manages to seep in. I thought that after I moved back to London I'd want to see him and message him all the time but I haven't much at all, in fact I re-arranged a meet up and then stopped talking to him. Soon after my exchanges with Phil. I'm sure he knows my reasoning but that hasn't stopped him in the past. He probably won't ask and I doubt i'll bring it up.
I'll just wait and see. I'm sure i'll write a new entry tomorrow as I work through the day which will likely drag. It's been a slow week, the sun has been shining beautifully and my colleagues are crotchety and close the blinds right down, such a shame.
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