As Mondays go, I feel in a really good mood today. Periodically throughout the day i've subtly asked myself why this is, as it's so surprising, and I think it must be due to the weekend just past. It was wonderful, just how weekends should be.
My brother met Phil on Friday evening and it was just lovely. Me and Phil met at busy Waterloo station and ambled over to southbank where we sat out in the sun with drinks and waiting for my brother to join us. Sadly I wasn't feeling 100%, I'd a persistent headache that wouldn't go away with tablets (which turned out to be my time of the month, 6 days early - give me a break,) but I was still in the mood for being social and was excited by their meeting. We had nice general chat with each other before, being with him is so easy and I find myself feeling less awkward every time we meet. Ed appeared and they shared a handshake and soon the chat flowed. I felt so proud standing there watching and listening as they stood sharing laughs and getting along well. Ed asked great questions as did Phil and there weren't any awkward moments. We went for dinner nearby and carried on, I felt so relaxed and they both seemed to be too. I was suddenly hit by an eye-migraine which affected both eyes which made me feel a bit odd but I tried to tackle it silently and it subsided after some painkillers. I think I'll need to change my pill, I know that the one i'm taking shouldn't be taken if you've ever had a migraine but of course I had it anyway. I don't know why really, it was just familiar. It's been a few days since i've stopped taking it and my body feels a bit sore and odd, i'm already enjoying the lack of water retention and I just feel better for not having to take something every single night. I don't like interfering with it all to be honest, i'd much rather take nothing at all. But I know that's dangerous because Phil is definitely concerned for pregnancy and as much as I like the idea of a happy accident, I need to respect his feelings. If we're meant to have a baby it'll happen when it's meant to. It would be wrong at this stage i'm sure.
Anyway.
Afterwards, we headed back to the tube and headed our separate ways. They shared an embrace which was so nice to see and soon as we went to our own platforms Phil beamed about Ed and how much of a lovely evening he'd had. To hear this gave me a new lease of energy and we chatted excitedly on the tube home. We went to the shop and bought some food for the evening and ate fruit on my bed and just carried on talking. It was late but we watched a film on my tiny laptop screen and then fell asleep. The following day we were lazy, slept in a little and then watched some comedy series as we gradually got ready for the day. I decided that I wanted to drive him back to his and that's exactly what I did. I was a little nervous, I'm still not a very confident driver and around London it can be a bit intimidating but he was an excellent navigator and we talked the whole way there, without any fluff ups along the way (to my surprise.) I was expecting to just drop him off and then go back home again but he was keen on going for a coffee and a wander about, which I couldn't say no to. We drove into town and picked up a coffee and sat out in one of the gardens watching the fountain and just talked and laughed. I was happy that he wasn't keen on getting on with work, he wanted to get some dinner somewhere which we did and then we wandered back to the car and I dropped him home.
The following day I went to the park with my housemates and we just lazed about in the sunshine, it was really nice to catch up with them and share some 'quality' time together, they were both a lot more easy going and chilled. Later that evening he called me - which was delightful! And talked for a good hour or so. I suggested maybe going to see this film that he's keen to see and he said he'd love to. He also mentioned that his sister and boyfriend would also love to see it and perhaps we could all go together. Of course I agreed - I really want to meet her! At the time I didn't really think about it much but I think that him meeting my brother was more significant to him than I thought it was and he seems to want to reciprocate. I feel much happier as a result, a little more like we're both heading in the same direction, I think...I hope, anyway. But who knows, perhaps it won't work out that way. It was so sweet that he called, he wanted to find out more about my dad and Sally as I'd sent him a long message the night before with a bit of an update. It was just so nice to be asked about it. He's so thoughtful. During this phone call he also mentioned how he'd been looking at jobs which followed on from when we were at dinner, as he said he'd kinda been nervous to start looking. I'd advised him to just go for it, just see what's out there and he'd feel better for it and it seemed like he did. He mentioned there were a couple he was going to apply for which was positive. He also said how he wanted to be in London, which was so wonderful to hear. I mean, I know there is still potential for him to move abroad, he acknowledged this. I don't think i'm the reason at all for him thinking about staying, but, I like that he told me. And as he did he sort of stammered on the phone which in my over-imaginative brain made me wonder if he wanted to say so but of course, this would be a little...much. He said his family and friends were here, to which I said that he could always move abroad later if he wanted to, if the opportunities are there now they surely will be in a year or two should he want to take them. I definitely ONLY want to be encouraging of whatever he chooses to do. At this stage, it is not my place to put any pressure on him - especially when he's suddenly got all this freedom to come. If he wants to go and travel, see the world, move away, he'll do it and I highly doubt anything I say will stop him, so why come across like the clingy, needy girl who's just weighing him down? Although inside my mind is tugging one direction and then the other as I worry and analyse and panic, I want to appear like the swan on the lake who's gracefully looking about, taking in the sights with no haste. I mean, whether I even come close to that, I will never know. Probably not!
But to hear him say it, just made me feel comforted.
I don't know, last night before I went to bed I felt different. - content. Of course, as content as content feels, I also feel afraid - it's like the further you go in, the more it'll hurt if it ends up failing. But, I didn't madly check my phone, I didn't feel the need to send him a message because the phone call was so nice and well rounded.
Every time we share a really passionate kiss I can feel the words bubble up within me as his eyes gaze into mine and he smiles his beautiful smile. But of course, I swallow them. I'm sure one day I won't be able to contain myself, I feel like i'm waiting for him to say it first but then, surely we can't share love yous without talking about what we are first? I don't know, perhaps he won't go there ever - perhaps he doesn't say it easily/freely/at all. Can't force it, nor would I want to. I guess we've just got to keep going along and seeing how we feel, see how things pan out. I'm really looking forward to his birthday - i'm into my overdraft, i'm the poorest i've been in many years and yet i'm the most excited! I'll hopefully complete this drawing soon, i've got a nice frame for it, i've printed out a lame little voucher thing for an annual subscription to his favorite app and i've booked a table for dinner at a nice sushi restaurant. I'm way ahead of myself, i've probably done too much, we might not even make it to that date. But, the picture I could just sell anyway, the voucher isn't real so i've not lost anything there and the reservation I can cancel. I don't want to do any of that of course - I want it all to play out, I want to spoil him, I want him to have the best ever birthday. Of course, he might have plans with friends / family, but even so, I still want to wrap them up and surprise him! Silly really. But, it's all I want to do.
We'll just have to wait and see.
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