Do the right thing

I cancelled on Dan and deleted our correspondence. Partly to erase the guilt I feel for letting him down, partly to start afresh once again. Like many times before. Speaking to Phil last night on the phone and feeling a genuine, real connection with this person; an excitement, a giddiness (I’m sure will fade in a couple of months but still -) and care I feel just cannot be denied. We talk and talk and I realise that I really, really want to make a proper go of this. Whatever happens, even if it’s only a month or two more of what we have now - I still want that. I want to try. And spending a lot of money on going to see an old ‘friend with benefit’ just to be polite really isn’t starting off on the right foot. Sure we haven’t made anything official but, after putting out my feelers questioning his birthday plans and hearing him sweetly say 'we should do something' just made me feel so delighted I knew that I have to be true to him - I don’t have any desire for anyone else. I don't want to make the same mistakes i've made in the past. Dan can be incredibly manipulative. He has a way of working into my mind and confusing my emotions. But I don't want them to be confused on this occasion. I doubt I'll ever meet anyone like Phil again in my life - he has absolutely wonderful, and if he found out that i'd made this trip, I'm sure he'd be devastated because I know I would be if it were the other way around. Some people you just need to cut from your life, and Dan is one of those people. I can't believe it's taken me about 6 years to realise this. And you know...I don't even feel that sad about it. The idea of meeting him again didn't feel the same as it did a few months ago. This time around, it isn't the same situation. I'm in a different, better place now. And I was honest with him. I said that I did want to see him and I meant what i'd said in our previous exchanges but, i'd met someone and things had kinda kicked up a gear and I want to see where it goes with this person. So, he might be upset, he might never say a word. But I'd rather spend my evening with Phil instead.



I completed his present yesterday, it must have taken me a good 20 hours to complete. I felt proud of it as I placed it in its frame and hope that he feels special when he opens it. I didn’t want it to be too romantic, so I kept the theme rather grungy - a stylised human heart with an octopus at the top with limbs that curl around it and a pair of jellyfish beneath. All black and white, lots of lines, patterns and shading. I already miss having something to be working on, I’ll have to start another project. But he was the motivator! Maybe I’ll start on his Christmas present or something.



So yeah, just had to get that off my chest. Kinda big news, kinda not. I was never in any doubt but I suppose that move really proves how much I care about Phil. I think perhaps when I see him next I'll initiate 'the chat,' if the moment feels right. Or perhaps i'll wait until his birthday. He said that he isn't really one for celebrating things, which for some reason I find cute, but who knows, perhaps this might be a sticking point in the future? Like how Ben was? Although he was just ungrateful and rude, I can't imagine Phil acting that way.



*



Aw, Dan replied. I feel a little sick but I think it's just the realization at what i've done mixed with a bit of relief. He seems fine, light hearted and jokey which is nice. 'Why did you just get out of a relationship and then jump straight back into a new one, learn to be single and selfish for a while!' He does have a point I suppose. I was watching a youtube video of a lady I watch occasionally who was explaining her recent break-up and how when she thought about it, she'd worked out that she'd been single for about 5 months of her life since dating. She'd just been a serial dater and she wasn't sure if it was healthy. It has struck a bit of a chord with me, but...I love being in a relationship. And, I absolutely want to be in a relationship with Phil. I think i've done the right thing...

*

I've just got back from a 4 day long weekend and I feel so much more refreshed, but I was ready to return to work this morning. Now i'm here, the persistent drilling outside returns and my colleagues glum expressions is making my enthusiasm fade with every moment that goes by, but it's nice to be back into my normal routine once again.
Friday evening was really great. I met with Phil outside the station and we got the train together to the shopping center which also had the cinema where we were going to meet his sister and partner. We talked the entire way, caught up on each others days, just happily chattering - I always find this when I see him, I get so excited that all that comes out of my mouth is non-stop waffle and giggling. I can't stop looking at him, he's so beautiful. His bright, big blue eyes and long eye-lashes and the most infectious smile, so gentle and kind by nature, what was he doing sitting with me? Why isn't he married already? I could see a lady sitting opposite us looking at us talking and wondered what she was thinking. Did she think we looked like a cute couple? Or was she thinking 'boy, he could do better - the amount of shit she's talkin' possibly.
We get dinner, nothing fancy but it's nice and we laugh and open up, relax a little into the evening. I did wonder whether his sister and boyfriend would join us and I found it a little telling that they hadn't, but it was fine, they had plans of their own. We finished up and met them waiting in the lobby. Immediately I could tell that as siblings they were very different - Physically and in their personalities. Her hair was blond and in a bob, she was a little tomboy-ish in her style and gave me a firm handshake upon meetings. She wasn't very smiley, but she was nice. Her boyfriend was nice too, rather quiet and reserved. I felt a bit foolish, in these situations I just go super smiley as a sort of defense mechanism - kill them with kindness sort of impression. But I could imagine her wanting to roll her eyes at the sight of me - clearly I was a ditzy, posh, girly girl who laughed all the time; irritating. I found myself talking lots in the short time we were all standing together but Phil seemed to think that I made a good first impression. His word is all i've got on this!
The movie was interesting, it didn't scare me or impress me like it did the others but it was still good to see something different from what I usually watch and current. We talked about what we thought of it all as we walked to the car and she dropped us off at the station and we waited for a train which was constantly getting delayed. We went to a nearby pub for a drink which was just serving last orders and before I knew it, the train approached and we were soon on the tube to mine. Phil had said that she had expected me to go back to theirs and stay, which I liked hearing but I was glad that I didn't assume that it would be the case. It was late by the time we got in and as soon as we'd snacked a little and got comfortable, the evening was an explosion of pleasure, unlike anything i've experienced before. 5am came around, the sun was coming up and the birds were singing and we were still up, talking. The following morning we slept in late, I made us breakfast and we lazed about, talking and watching Netflix. My brother came over later in the afternoon and we all sat on my bed chatting - it was so nice. They both get on so well and Ed really likes him a lot, he feels like he can be really open with him, which is so lovely to hear. It was nice that there was some cross over with them both before we drove home. I just never want him to leave. Before my bro came over we hit a really interesting vein of conversation, 'what sort of things stress you out?' he asked in response to my wafflings about something or other. - It was a good question, one I don't think i've been asked before. We talked about work and families and it lead on to relationships, I had mentioned that I had felt the ending of our my last relationship coming and he asked why that was. It was nice to be asked and I didn't feel nervous telling him, I mean, it was an honest answer. 'We just weren't a team anymore. We didn't make much time for each other anymore. It was triggered by his new job, he worked all the time but it wasn't all him, I knew it was happening but didn't do much to stop it.' or something along those lines. It was nice to be able to ask the same to him about his relationship - something i've wanted to know for ages! He said how they didn't really see each other much, and when they talked or texted he found that she was always negative. He had said some things to her and she found them hard to move past so it came to an end. He had said how they'd both had insecurities in the relationship and it all came to a head. It all sounded sincere, it didn't come across like a red flag that I thought that it could have been, the way that the subject had been avoided.
We both went on to say how these experiences made us who we are today, that it's no bad thing, it's all a part of the learning curve.

I'm really looking forward to seeing him on Friday. I've a half day so I'll hopefully be able to pop home first to get ready and really relax into the weekend. Maybe we'll go to a gallery or something.