A test

Very up and down yesterday in terms of how I was feeling in terms of me and Phil. Suddenly I just didn’t like where I was, the not knowing where we are, where it’s all going. Tiredness of the previous couple of days absolutely affected my judgement, for sure. But evenso, this morning I still feel a bit fuzzy. I know I should be breezy and just roll with it but my anxiety prevents me from doing this. Always has and likely always will. So, in my madness, I downloaded the original dating app I originally met Chris on. I just needed something. Pathetic really. But, I’ve just been feeling as though I’m putting in so much effort for very little in return. And then when we do talk, I just felt like he was in a rush to get off the phone. I feared I was being phased out. So, I wanted to have a bit more control in the situation. In an hour I had a flood of various messages, matches, meet up requested yada yada it was flattering, but, it was intense and I suddenly felt a bit sick. I had caved in but I hadn’t thought about it enough and now here I was, back out there again. I deleted it as quickly as I downloaded it. It wasn’t right. I’m not ready to give up on Phil yet. And to even say that is just...nuts. Because, nothing has even happened! This is all based on my tired assumptions backed up by very little - he is tired because he has been working so much! I make good excuses for him and I do feel they’re accurate. But evenso, is this really what I want?
I think the time is soon approaching to have to talk about it all. Which I’m dreading and will do my upmost to avoid. I know I need to let him lead. But then again, I haven’t really been hit with a force of anything really, almost borderline not bothered? I can’t tell. I don’t know. It’s still early days and he’s in a different place to me and his career isn’t established and when it comes to it - which will be soon - it could be that he moves abroad. So, maybe he’s protecting me?
Either way. I feel guilty about my sudden move of error last night and some ridiculous part of me worries that he knows I did it somehow. Again this is just me, assuming the worst and likely impossible. I don’t think he’s on there, but a friend might be perhaps?
Again, it’s the worst case scenario and even so, I’d only be honest about it. I’m going to treat it like it never happened though because nothing came of it and I didn’t really want it to either. It was more of a test, and now things feel a bit more clear. Well, a little.
He agreed to meeting tomorrow eve where we’ll meet my brother for a drink or two. I guess it’s a step? I’m not really looking at like it like that really, I just really want him to meet him, he’s my best friend and we spend so much time together it kinda feels like a natural ‘thing.’ But perhaps on paper it means more? No, it’s only going to be a chilled out affair. Don’t know if he’s staying, not going to assume either way.

Going to try and put my phone on flight mode all day. See if I can do it. I’m only going to type my thoughts and get a better handle on things. Still feel so tired...