I think it must be hormonal. As soon as I typed out my thoughts I felt like a bit of a weight had been lifted. Also, my brother agreed to meet me after work so we could chat out the shit that i'm currently feeling. Which already makes me feel much better.
I don't know why i'm panicking, Phil doesn't owe me anything. Nothing has been said - sure, he hasn't but then neither have I. He's a lot going on, of course but so do I. Do I honestly, truly feel as though i'm in a place to know that i'm ready for a relationship with this person? No. I'd just get excited and say yes and ignore the lil red flags I seem to be picked up on. I mean, it feels a bit extreme to call them 'red' hmm perhaps more of an orange? It's something I feel I need to be aware of. It's a part of who he is and he can't be blamed for that, we're different people, it's how he's lived his life for the past 10 years or so, it's going to be difficult for him to break out of these habits - and I don't think he wants to at this stage.
There's still a lot of time between now and when he finishes his studies. Why not just enjoy the time we spend together when we do, as we do until things change - if they even change. He's probably not sure about how he feels about 'us' in terms of labels either, but that's okay. I mean, he's a bit nerdy, he's not had a lot of previous experience in terms of relationships and girls. He's mathematically minded, he takes drugs to help him concentrate and he works out until he injures himself. I mean...there's some catching up he needs to do too, it's not all for me to carry about or worry about. For now, I think of him as my boyfriend because that's what my brain does, but it doesn't mean that it's set in stone - nothing is.
I know that I can download an app and get back into the game if and when I need to. I do sort of want to now, but that's only because I feel insecure about what we are and doing this not only runs the risk of him finding out and offending him (giving the impression that i'm still looking to date others when it doesn't appear that he is,) but I know that as soon as I get talking to someone new who's interesting and finds me interesting, well i'll chase it until my feelings soon switch over leaving poor Phil out completely. Which wouldn't be fair at all.
So no. I mustn't get into this head-funk.
*
I was telling myself to stay clear from my phone and not message him. Wanted to appear cool, busy, unavailable. But I then realized i'm falling into the trappings of these mind games that I claim to hate. If I want to drop him a message, why don't you just do it? I tell myself, and soon, i'm typing away and I feel good for doing so. I thank him for last night, but go on to apologise that the fact he stayed ended up muddling up a lot of his plans. I went on to say that I understood that he wasn't always going to be able to stay and I appreciated this and how he needed to be as fresh as possible for the day/week ahead. I may hope, because I love the time we spend together, but I will not assume. And I rounded it off by saying something like 'so in the sincerest and least-intense of ways, I was to help support you as much as I can' and that I understood that the upcoming weeks were possibly the most important of his entire PhD.
Although I know all of the above wasn't really needed, I do feel better for saying it. Perhaps it'll encourage him to open up about his thoughts on it, or feel a little less stressed about it all? I suppose that's one thing I'm worried about, and that is him being too polite to say no to things or I become too much of a distraction. Before hitting send I did think about how i'm kinda giving him a branch, an offer for him to say 'yeaaah, I don't have the time' which could still come, of course. But if he does, well, it'll suck enormously but at least i'll know then. I mean, i'm just looking at it like - it's the sort of message i'd really love to see, and would make me feel 'wow, this person is being so considerate, that's great.' I also hit myself head on really, by going against my urge to ignore and put my phone onto flight mode for the rest of the day, and forced myself to be communicative. Which has failed me in the past.
Sure, we're still early days - so I can recover from all of this if it is to fall apart. But, at the same time, this peroid could ultimately bring us closer together and set some solid foundations for our future. Who knows.
But the rain is pouring outside, flashes of lightening brighten the office windows and the thunder makes me feel cosy and I feel a sort of comfort that if he doesn't realise all the love that I can give him, all the potential good times we have ahead, the adventures, the laughs, the passionate evenings - someone else will.
So, although i'm battling these blues I'm just trying to talk myself out of them. Carry on doing what I always do - hoping for the best.
...and trying to ignore my phone, sigh.
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