What am I doing?

Today...is not a good day really, in my mind, in my head-space. I just feel really blue. I'm looking over myself and thinking ' what the fuck are you doing?' Everything just feels...wrong today. Maybe it's hormones, probably, they always love to kick me while I'm down. I try and think why that is, why i'm taking these pills and wondering -why am I even bothering? 

I saw Phil yesterday and it was all nice but as we left a bar and he told me that he couldn't stay, he needed to be refreshed and ready for a week of work ahead, and although this is perfectly understandable, I couldn't hide my disappointment. It just suddenly hit me that I realized that, I don't think this is shaping up the way that I want it to. He could see that I was a bit sad about it, of course I didn't say anything. But I couldn't mask it. This is the 3rd time he's done it and I just, hate it. I know he probably doesn't sleep well at mine, it's bright and noisy and he has the weird stuff he has to eat in the evening/morning...I just, kinda just want to shrug my shoulders and just...start again. 

I suggested that maybe he pop back for a little while which he said sounded nice, but I don't know, I just...wasn't expecting it. We ate some nice pizza at a nice restaurant near my place and he said he'd like to pop back for a bit, which he ended up doing. And it was great. He dedicated himself to me, which was wonderful - it had been a while. He actually ended up staying as the trains were mucked up and he wouldn't have got back until about 2am in the morning, so it made sense for him to stay. But, I don't know, I just felt odd about it. Knowing that he didn't want to originally, but then kinda had to...just made me feel a bit shitty. 

I shouldn't take it that way, I know this. It was nice that he came all the way to see me, which he didn't have to do. I do believe he cares about me, but, I don't like how I felt yesterday and I know he'll make me feel that way again and I'm asking myself if I should really be putting myself through this? He doesn't really let me down often, but, I guess it's just knowing that he's busy doing his PhD - it's a whole other level I suppose I don't really understand. He's too intelligent. And yet, I suppose i'm starting to see the little red flags that are making me question whether this really could work long-term. He certainly has his quirks which I do like, I know I have mine too. But, it's just...familiar but not in a good way. Like Dan - obsessed with the gym. Like Alex - obsessed with food. I just, don't connect at all on either of these things. When i'm with him, I feel like he's fully with me, but I know he doesn't want to call us anything because he's got too much else on his mind, he wants to travel somewhere for a few weeks when he's finished his PhD, with his friends of course, not with me. Just, I guess we're just casually dating. But i'm getting to a point where I want to know and I'm sad that I think I already know the answer. 

I should just talk to him about it. But I run the risk of ruining what we have now and what it could potentially be. It feels a lot like how things were with Alex, kinda like long distance. And it got to a point where I met someone else and that was it, but as he realized it was slipping away, he said he wanted to move things forward, if I wanted to. But by that point i'd met Lee. Huh. It makes you wonder where i'd be now if i'd said yes to Alex...

No point in thinking about that now anyway. It wasn't right at the time. I did what I thought was right. Much like what i'm trying to do now. 

I suppose i'm tired, the weekend has caught up with me somewhat. I'm at work and i'm fed up of it already. But when we parted ways this morning we shared a kiss and a smile, he's not at all cold with me, he brushes against me, touches my hand, arm etc he thanked me for a lovely evening and said he's see me Friday - where i've booked an evening of bowling and arcade action. Sigh. I'm looking forward to it, but I guess i'm not going to expect anything. I guess i'm back to that stage. 

I've got to let him take the reins. Maybe i'll give it until his birthday to see where we are, how I feel. I need to get this drawing finished, something to remember me by at least. I need to stop being negative. I just need to write today off and hope I feel better tomorrow. I think I will...