What does your gut tell you? If I try and tune in and listen to it, what core feeling do I have about the situation that I find myself in?
It tells me that;
1) I'm tired. I have completed my first proper journey back to London from home with my brother in tow, giving me directions (bless him.) It wasn't the smoothest of rides but, it was the first one done and at no point did I cry, so that's an achievement in itself.
2) That he is probably tired. He was hosting and entertaining for a good two days, he didn't have time to message - he already notified me of this, and he's probably got his own shit to be catching up with now. When I asked if he was about to call, he politely answered and said his parents were over - which is completely fair enough.
3) I'm feeling hormonal. The pill is making me feel like absolute crap. I can't wait til this pack is finished so I can think about another alternative.
Hopefully I will speak to him this evening. I hope we can arrange a time we can meet up, but I have to let him initiate this because I'm feeling like an idiot always trying to set things up. I don't want to play the games - but I also don't want to feel the bottom of his list.
I suppose I'm feeling insecure, I don't know why. It's probably the tiring day catching up with me. I wish I could just sleep and it be tomorrow, but I agreed to a drink or two with my housemate, kinda begrudgingly but I know I'll enjoy it when it comes to it, I always do. The girls here really do challenge me in this aspect, which is no bad thing. But they don't know how I am and how sometimes I do need my own space to process things. There's a lot going on at the moment.
So, of course I jump to the worst case scenario, I even did so earlier when talking to my brother; 'Yeah, that's if i see him again,' I say in passing looking away and he gives me a look 'why would you say that? I mean, you've seen him like, 20 times? 50!? He;s not going to ghost you...' I do feel he's right, I know it's silly of me to keep trying to put myself in this mindset. I don't know why I keep doing it.
But would that be the end of the world if he did? If the worst case scenario happened? No, of course not. I'd move through it like I have many, many times before. And I'd embark on a new adventure. I wouldn't fall and crack like I fear I would - no. I would power up the apps, take some new pics, refresh the bio or whatever it is, and start again. If there's something I want, I've got to have it. And I will do everything in my power to get it. And this situation is no different. We've got to keep things light, I think I do on the face of it, I like that everyone things i'm easy going and nothing is an issue. But, I mean, a lot of the reasons why i'm so fucking exhausted all the time is due to the great deal of effort I put into masking the real truth of the matter which is - I'm constantly worried and unnecessarily anxious. But nobody would ever know this. And I am proud of this. And I will keep doing this, probably til the day I die. Or who knows, maybe before then when I feel a real sense of happiness and security. But come on, when will that ever happen?
Not to be negative, but, realistic perhaps. I don't know. I guess I just want to know whats happening - this is nothing new. I guess this is always the way with another person because there's no way I'll ever know what they're thinking or feeling. As much as I don't like it, it is life. So I know I've just got to try and keep doing my best, keep trying and trying. I've got so much love to give, I'll go above and beyond to make someone happy.
I suppose now with the car I do feel more empowered. I can travel anywhere I like. It still hasn't really sunk in. It will in time i'm sure.
Enough of the games I think I need to play. If I want to suggest something, why not suggest it? As if it's going to be a bad thing - and if for some reason it is, why do I want to keep entertaining myself with this person!? I just hope I can keep thinking this way and keep strong. Stay true to myself.
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