The sunshine is glorious, but i'm in an appalling mood today, it really has tailed off as each hour goes by sat here in this dreary place. I want to be outdoors, I suppose everyone does. But still, I'd rather be anywhere but here. Two more hours to go, but i'm sure as I watch the last minuets tick by I'll be on the brink of tears as that's the stage before full on collapse, eh. I'm sure it's just hormonal. I hope so. Although every time it comes around I wish I could just fast-forward a week, good things never seem to happen during these weeks. I'm not expecting anything different from this when it dawns on me, probably tomorrow, because - timing. 

Not feeling particularly social in terms of the flat lately, I realise that it's just too intense at the end of an already intense, busy day. My mind needs to spend time unwinding, not listening to relentless barrages of chats n' ramblings, getting in way whilst trying to prepare anything to eat. I just feel as though I get in the way. They're nice people, but they're pretty selfish and that means I always lose in terms of who talks, who cooks, who... it doesn't matter anyway. Just, want to fade away. Again. 

I find myself missing Chris but i'm not sure why, I suppose it was the certainty of him being there, our relationship and that it was pretty solid really. This time of year was when we were once in a good place and we had good times together. I know it wasn't right and what happened, happened for the best. But still. It's hard not to think about it. 

I want that with Phil, I hope it'll be. But, I know that no amount of me wishing it will make it happen. I'm trying to make the most of this time as we learn about each other, our ways, desires, what we both want from life and see if we're compatible. I like to think that we are and I hope he thinks so to, but only time will tell. I'll let him do the asking. There are moments where his eyes are looking straight into mine, during kisses or at climatic heights where I want to just come out and say it, I almost see a little sparkle in his that I believe is telling me the same but, well, there's no rush anyway.

There's a lot going on with family which is taking up a lot of my mind.

Just got to be kind to myself. 

It's going to be okay.