So last night was possibly one of the most intense, passionate and wonderful nights of my life and we curled up to sleep within each other at 4am this morning. Which possibly explains why I'm feeling blue and at a bit of a loose end. It's an absolutely beautiful day and i'm sat at my desk indoors drawing and worrying. I feel so lame. There are times where I feel like i've made some progress with things with my mental well-being but it's time likes this I realise that this is not the case. I think it's because the more I get involved with the guy, the more I grow concerned that i'll fuck it all up.
After my last entry of a similar sort of theme, my brother came over and we had dinner and some much needed it chat. It was nice for him to share and unburden and for me to do the same. I told him about this and how I felt scared and nervous but he reassured me. Told me to just carry on as we are and things should naturally take it's course, and if he didn't want to spend time with me and make plans, he wouldn't. Plus he's very busy, finishing up some very important papers, i'm lucky that he's make time for me full stop. He does make a good point, I mean, yes I probably would feel better if we were official but I don't know why I feel a rush to do it. Security? The thing is, you can be together and established the 'in a relationship' tag and still be surprised and hurt, in fact moreso with the label attached. I suppose it's just what i'm used to, i'm not used to being single and I don't like it. I feel with him and I want to be completely. But that's not for me to decide.
I'm worried because he's going to his ex's place today to give her back her things and generally exchange. He didn't think it was going to be quick nip in and out deal. They didn't live together but it's still stuff, and stuff holds emotions and memories, it's all very personal. He looked sad and concerned when he told me. I don't know why I'm worrying, I mean, it's not my place. It's none of my business. But I suppose it's a good thing he told me. I suppose i'm assuming as I always do; the absolute worst. That he'll see her again, realise how much he's missed her, of everything they had and how much better than me she is, of course she feels exactly the same way about him and suddenly he wants to rekindle everything and that'll be it. Of course this is absurd. I don't know enough of the details to know for sure, I mean, I don't know how recently they broke up, though I think it was a fair while ago. I don't really know the circumstances that they broke up either, he said it was amicable and friendly but she still could have broken his heart. I could tell that he had things on his mind this morning and that in addition to sleeping in late, my loud, obnoxious housemate deciding she wanted to make breakfast at the same time as us, breaking bowls, making loads of noise therefore making him miss his train, made us both feel a bit different to how we usually are and it threw me off a bit. It's her place as much as mine but it stressed me out. Phil confided in me his concerns for the night before where he again, was only 99% sure that things was okay. He gave me a look and I knew that it meant I had to take another morning after pill again. He gave me the money for it which although thoughtful and considerate, it made me feel a bit shit. I knew that things were fine as I did last time but having to go through the whole process is demeaning and I don't like the way it makes me feel afterwards. But I understand where he's coming from, best to be safe than sorry and I'd much rather than the other consequence and just assuming that all will be fine. So, my eyes feel heavy and it's going to be an early night for me as I dissolve into sleep. Last night we booked to go bowling tomorrow evening which i'm really looking forward to, but i'm scared that it might not happen. I just, I just want to sleep so I can forget about everything and stop worrying. I only want to think about the amazingness that was last night but my mind won't let me, it's the trivial morning matters that it's obsessing over and I just, don't know how to combat it.
...
Think about how you felt when you met Chris to collect your things and wrap things up, it felt pretty weird right? You were concerned and had things going on in your mind. You felt sad but it wasn't a pining for him, it was more a sense of sadness over the fact that things were formally ending and it was bringing up some of those emotions again. I didn't see him and have a sudden realisation that I still loved him or anything like it. I saw him and still cared for him, wanted to kiss him but didn't want to be with him. Nobody can do the ex exchange without feeling some sort of remorse/sadness/guilt/thought in general. And I guess if Phil acted as though he didn't care, it would have been a little concerning and out of character.
I don't really know him all that well still and we are in the very early days of dating. This means that I should not invest too much emotional energy into things because there's still a long way to go before I even go near any of that heavy stuff. I don't know how quickly things should move along, I don't know how he feels about me. I think he likes me, and has a good time with me, but who knows what's going on in his mind. I shouldn't think about it too much, because that alone is far more likely to ruin it than any other outside influence. He doesn't owe me anything and it was nice that he was honest and upfront about the situation which was good of him, he didn't have to do it. I need to give him space right now, that's the best thing I can do.
Ultimately though, if he decides he doesn't want us to carry on, yes, it'll suck enormously and i'll be very upset. But, there won't be anything I can do about it. Every time we're together I always do my best, i'm always myself, I'm always generous with my time, my compliments, my listening, buying things etc I'm not counting, but, I know i'm doing all I can and if my best isn't good enough, there will be someone out there who deserves it far more than him.
I don't want to think like that, but I need to bring it back sometimes because I shouldn't put him on such a high pedestal. I know this. I mean, he's wonderful and probably one of the nicest, most beautiful people I have ever met but, I know i've got stuff to give to and hopefully he sees this too.
It's too early for these thoughts, I need to just pack it in and go with the flow. Enjoy my time with him, enjoy my time without him and just roll with it as it goes. That's the only thing I can do. I can't force it and I wouldn't want to either.
Ed was excited for me and said I was noticeably happier than a few months ago which was nice to hear. He said he was worried that i'd throw myself head first into a relationship with this guy because it's exciting but I would overlook the details which perhaps suggested a lack of capability, but would just ignore them - like I did in my previous relationships. His worries are justified, of course. I never thought i'd wish away a Saturday but I just want it to be tomorrow morning already where hopefully I'll receive a chipper message from Phil on my screen and we'd see each other and catch up and just have a great time. That would make me feel relieved. I wonder if he worried while I was sorting out flat stuff with Chris? Possibly. He didn't say, though.
No, no. I just need to trust him. And trust us.
'Everything will be okay in the end. And if it's not okay, it's not the end.'
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