Acknowledgement

Write about how you feel...write about how you feel. Breath. I have to admit, i've been out of the habit lately. It has been a long time since i've sat and concentrated on trying to empty my head of all the...fuzz. I downloaded a meditation app as recommended through Phil and i'm rather looking forward to giving it a go, I think it could really help me calm my anxiety. I have a hunch that he might suffer from something similar, as his routines seem to suggest this. Well, they suggest that he's trying to work through whatever it is, which is positive. Unlike me, who struggles to even share that it's something I suffer from. It's something i've suffered from for most of my adult life and only now have I properly accepted it. Imagine how different things could have been if I had spoken up about it sooner. But who to? Is there really a cure anyway?
My anxiety affects me in waves and is definitely linked to/ sparked by another person who's close to me. Family member, friend, partner, just general loved one. I think it's the not knowing how they really feel. I think it's the idea of me accidentally upsetting them, letting them down for them to then...leave me. I don't know why I fear this so strongly because I struggle to recall partners who were dear to me who suddenly left me out of the blue. But it's such an awful, awful worry of mine. I let my emotions take me over and my imagination rushes to the happily ever afters and my heart elevates at the idea of having secured it - finding love, nurturing it, keeping it, so then everything else will magically fall into place. Of course, these are all daft, ridiculous thoughts. But it's too late, i've thought it therefore that's all I can now think about and it drives me nuts. Pressure builds and builds on this person who has no idea that my mind is racing a 1000 miles per hour excitedly trying to work out the rules of the game when really there is no game. It's just me in the company of another person who's before me, bumbling along just doing as they do. They might feel the same way, they might not. But no amount of my mind whirling around will influence their thoughts or actions, it's only weighing me down and draining my energy.
So why, does my mind do this? I'm a rational person. I don't expect these things to actually happen. I don't think I deserve such a wonderful person, who's beautiful emotionally, physically, to find any worth in me. I find it hard to believe that anyone would. I know that believing this allows my mind to search for reasons and faults to prepare for the upset for when they leave. It's so negative. I would never usually say i'm a negative person - in fact, i'd actually say that i'm a positive person. Certainly to others. I'd hope that this is noticed.
A colleague of mine who I wouldn't say i'm particularly close with, told me today how I should just be myself. There's no point in trying to be otherwise. I know it's said a lot, but it does need saying. I do need to take it on board. I need to stop worrying that I'm appearing a certain way.
I need to be kind to myself. I think by doing this will help me listen to myself better and talk to my inner voice better, and perhaps it might just listen. But, it's years and years and years of habit to try and break. I am doubtful. I want to be hopeful but it's hard to master the energy. There's so little time to concentrate on my inner self. I'm just so utterly exhausted from being social that all I want to do is sleep. I'm so grateful for the sleep i'm able to have now. I think my dad is the same. He has always said how he is able to just completely crash out when his day is done.

Foolishly I believe it's what keeps me going, it's what makes me try, it's a part of my personality and that personality people seem to like. I fear changing this will make me late for things, will stop me from caring so much, will basically change me into a person that people don't like. That I don't like. I'm sure this is me, classically jumping to the worst situation which frightens me into acting upon any sort of change. Periodically there's another voice in my head who tells me 'wait a moment...this isn't right...feeling like this, the way you do, every day, is not right...' but I soon bat it down and forget all about it.

I'm scared that by being myself, being the way I am I'll end up losing him. I don't know why but i've this enormous fear of loosing him and him letting me down. And the fact that he doesn't come across that way doesn't comfort me. He's so attractive I worry someone else will see exactly what I see in him but be someone so much more than me, and that'll be it. Although I deleted that dang app, it still doesn't mean anything serious. We're still just dating, and he could ghost me at any point. I mean, I don't plan on meeting anyone for another date and in my mind he's my boyfriend. But that in itself scares me so much. (Just as I typed that sentence I received a text message from him but strangely it was a text re-sent from last weekend...it's confusing, and disappointing. Sigh.) There's just, so much that comes with how I feel and I just, don't know how to process it calmly and cooly. I'm setting myself up to fail I think.