With him I feel a way I don't think I've ever felt before and I can't believe it. Admitting this makes me a little nervous, to see the words before my eyes, I panic that I might be asking the gods to well and truly fuck me over. But of course, that's cynical and ridiculous. It also makes me feel now more than ever, that I need to enjoy and savor these moments and these feelings while I have them, while i'm still here. While he is still the way he is in my eyes, how time marches on and yet there is never any guarentee that anything will last - just like my life. So, I try not to dwell. I try, I try.
On Wednesday evening he came and met me in the park as I sat on a bench reading a found newspaper accompanied by a couple of rambling drunk men, enjoying the sun. I adore that now when we meet we have a little kiss - I grin, I smile I feel such giddyness - like a child who can't keep still. We walked a little way to sit on another bench for a bit more privacy and drank a couple of pre-mixed cocktails from cans and talked about our days. We watched people walk by, children playing, dogs running about. It was lovely. We stayed until the park closed and then went and had another drink a nearby pub which i've been to a few times in the past. It was fun, we carried on drinking and laughing, sharing just...no cares in the world. Perhaps it was the double G&T but as we talked about gigs and festivals I shyly confided in him that I had bought tickets to go and see Jon Hopkins - an amazing electronic artist who I had sort of introduced him to and he really liked. But, the show was in November!! I did say that I wasn't trying to make any presumptions, and that I had just bought 2 tickets just because I wanted to get them before they sold out. But I suppose I did feel a little foolish. He was so sweet though, said it sounded amazing, so well - we'll have to see! But of course I did buy them with him in mind. Foolish I felt and foolish I am...
On the way back to mine we picked up some food to make when we got in, which we prepared and then ate upstairs in my room. Like before, I set my laptop up to watch something but never got around to loading anything up, as we were too buy talking. After we finished, we got onto the subject of Facebook and I joked about if it was time to add each other - he admitted that this is something he had been wanting to ask, which was adorable. I feel a little nervous by this request though, as although i've nothing to hide it's not very exciting. Mostly pics of me looking silly and memories of past romances. Doesn't really paint me in a very good light but, it's got to happen some time, it's probably better sooner rather than later. We both trawled through each others profiles together and laughed and shared, it was nice to do it together although i'm sure he'll look again in his own time. His photos were a healthy mix of youthful, boyish, groups of lads on nights out and beautiful scenic pictures of amazing places he's traveled to, ex girlfriends and daft faces. I looked through them all happily but couldn't help feeling as though I wanted to appear on his profile too one day, perhaps on our own adventures in the future. Who knows...just, can't help myself jumping way ahead with this guy. I hate that i'm not cooler about it all and that I can't play the games that people play in these situations but - the fact of the matter is that I think I love him and I'm not at all interested in anyone else. When we're together I don't feel time go by, I don't feel tired. When we finally turn the lights out it's usually no earlier than 3am and even in the darkness I can't stop smooching and touching him, it's like my body is so entranced by him it won't let me feel anything other than joy.
The previous weekend I took the morning after pill as a precaution after he told me he wasn't 100% sure all was safe. I knew that it was but, it's better to be safe than sorry. It lead us to conversations I never, ever, thought i'd have again in my life. He said how his previous girlfriend had to have an abortion and shared what it was like to go through from his point of view. It was sad, and I felt for her. It didn't sound as though she had the same experience as me emotion-wise, and before I knew it I was telling him my story and how it took me a good year or so to get over. I couldn't believe it, but I didn't feel shame or sadness. It actually felt good to share with him although it was a bit surreal how...normal it was. He was only sympathetic and understanding. He asked me if I felt attachment and I couldn't lie 'I did...but, that's just me' I sort of said, which sounded lame but then again, these are things that he needs to know, I mean, it was true after all and I don't want to lie to him. Ever.
But the tablet brought on time of the month so we weren't able to do the things we wanted to do, but we still enjoyed being romantic and kissing and sharing - it just never, ever gets boring. I don't think it ever will. I really don't remember the last time I ever felt this way. We talked about our insecurities, desires, things we want to try, all sorts of things and it was wonderful. I hope it's all been filmed somehow so when I die and my life flashes before my eyes, these times will show and I will feel nothing but warmth and happiness.
We embraced in the darkness and I enjoyed feeling over his muscular form and smiled saying how incredible he was - 'what are you doing here....you are far too good for me,' and bowed my head in a sort of embarrassment - but it's true, he's so gorgeous he could be with anyone in the world - 'nooo, nooo don't you dare say that! bullshit! Don't you ever say anything like that again!' he said firmly, the way he held himself changed and he tried to make his eyes meet mine but I couldn't look at him straight, I felt so tiny and small all of a sudden. But he made me feel comforted and I believed he was being sincere.
Tomorrow afternoon we're meeting and I think we're going to venture to a large park to walk about and sit in the sun. I can't wait. I just want to be with him all the time. I loved that yesterday morning before I got ready I asked him if he was moving at the weekend. He said that he was, but only one day of it and that he wanted to do something together on one of the days. It made me so happy to hear. So I said if the weather was still nice we should go and he seemed keen on the idea, so hopefully it'll stay nice weather wise.
I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I want to know everything about him, I want to tell him everything about me. I want to follow him and support him in terms of work, wherever he wants to go - whatever he wants to do, just want to give him all of me.
It's daft, silly, scary, but I can't hide it - well, at least i'm sort of able to from him. I don't know what will end up happening, perhaps he has me fooled and will one day disappear and never talk to me again, perhaps i'm his side chick, perhaps he'll move away to start again. I fear these things but I know that i've got to be thankful for now and every opportunity I have to share with him, in his company. I just only want to make me happy.
I hope he'll let me.
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Passed my driving test. Unbelievable.
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