Don’t be a stranger

Coffee soak up the tiredness, absorb into my bloodstream and take me back to that higher place.

Killing time in my much loved coffee haunt, it might be a chain not at all far from where I work, so not adventurous. But it gives me a bit of space to breath and soak up the surroundings. People happily chatting away with friends, loved ones, while I sit alone in contemplation finding it difficult to type. Eyes and thumbs won’t coordinate as I want them to. Waiting for a hair cut, nervous they’ll give me something I don’t want, it’s likely, but, I need a change and it needs some attention. I’ve been neglecting it and not at all kind, box after box of peroxide to cover any slight sight of roots.
I feel a bit bummed out but I think it’s because I’m so tired and last night was so much fun. It’s usual for this to occur, it’s impossible to maintain the dream.
He makes me happy to be around and when it’s me on my own again I feel a lot more together knowing I’ve got him to think about. I do feel scared, because I’ve opened my heart when perhaps I shouldn’t have, perhaps it’s too soon with too many other changes but I can’t help but embrace it, fall hard and fast before him, I’m sure he knows. I’ve got to enjoy it - I know I say it every entry but it’s important for me to remind myself of this because it’s easy for me to forget.

I learn more about him every time we spend time together and I grow ever fonder and also learn of his quirks and routines. He reminds me a little of Dan sometimes, he’s very focused on his body and keeping it well maintained which is understandable, he’s worked so hard on it for more than ten years or so, it shows. He’s so used to doing it. But, he’s built up these habits from being alone, in his own space, gym life is pretty solitary and difficult to share in, especially me who isn’t really big on all of that. He has difficulty sleeping and has an interesting relationship with food which I’m kinda on my guard about. But I’m just going to see how it goes. I mean, he enjoys food but he has shared that he has been a bit obsessed in the past. I haven’t told him where I am in terms of head space but then, I’m sure it’ll come out in time as everything else has. I don’t want to scare him away. Plus, where do I begin? I guess I need to get that figured out myself first before sharing it with anyone. I’m not sure I ever fully did with Chris.

I have to ask myself whether I miss him, I think I do but i think it’s more the reliability of him and knowing that he would be at home eventually whereas now I don’t know...anything.