Can't control the weather, even if I would want to. So, as a result, I'm getting myself well and truly prepared for a let down tomorrow afternoon. Just because it would be the icing on the cake of what has largely been a shitty week. The snow is easing up now, and hopefully by late afternoon it'll be raining, melting it all away. But still, he might decide it's not the best idea...or something. I don't know. I'm sure he's just preparing me, and to be fair, it isn't really his fault. But, evenso, the fact that he literally only has to host me but can't really be bothered to do that just makes me feel like shit. Already. Before anything has even happened. I'm bitter and cynical because I just want to escape, drink and forget. Terrible. I should be doing NONE of the above whatsoever. But perhaps the heavy clouds above are signaling me to avoid going altogether, might be trying to do me a favor. We'll just have to see, i mean there's nothing I can do but wait. I just hate waiting and not knowing for sure.
All this energy and thought power already it's just, gone out of control so quickly. When I was flat-hunting and trying to map out a new future path in my brain, I had stopped thinking about him entirely, it just wasn't on my agenda at all and it was actually really nice. When he did re-appear it was a pleasant surprise but it's when a date gets closer, he starts ramping up the conversation again, asking me to do things he knows are difficult for me to do, and it's just this massive weight on me rather suddenly. I know it's easily solved and yet he sinks his hooks into me because I fall for his success and affluent mannerisms and am surprised by his intrigue. I let myself follow his lead because it makes me feel like a different person and for a moment, I live a different life away from my troubles and issues. It will never be a real escape and for a short while when it was exciting and new, I wondered what our life could be like together but I know it will never be, because I don't want it. It wouldn't give me the life I truly want, I know it. But for the long-term, he appears to me as a constant entity which lifts me up at times where I feel lonely. I've lead him to believe that i'm happy with our arrangement but all this stress beforehand, the potential let-down is just too much for me to take. Especially when my emotions feel more delicate than usual.
If it does all go ahead, it really has to be the last time I put myself through this. If it ends up not happening, then I will have to ghost myself and disappear and move on. I don't have time for all of this, I need to focus on other things, more important things.
Me and Chris didn't have a talk last night after all. It got to half eleven and I was so tired, he was still up playing games, entertaining my brother. I can't really be annoyed at him for that, and he did acknowledge that we didn't when we said that we would. I suppose that's something. Maybe we will tonight, I'm not holding out any hope for...anything.
I'll bet myself; that me and Chris won't talk - he'll be finishing late so then my bro and him will be back at the same time, it'll get late again, it just won't end up happening. Tomorrow afternoon I'll get a message from Dan saying the weather is bad and taxi's are a nightmare, and will try and stop me from coming. I can almost sense it. I'll be gutted by all of it.
I'll have to turn to movies instead, just get completely lost in film after film and...sob.
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