Not doing so great this morning. I was able to get myself up in the morning and put myself together, but the train ride felt long and every song that came on through my earphones just made me feel sad. The weather is relentless, it's so cold. The snow gets through every seam, every gap and chills me to the bone. I tried to get the tube but it was too popular a choice and the single file ques for people trying to get through the barriers made for crowds of people shivering and tutting, getting their phones out to photograph the scene. I decided to walk it instead. It wasn't too bad, but the wind turns the snow into a mild blizzard and I struggled to keep my eyes open.
I think the anxiety is hitting me regarding the weekend; i'm looking forward to it a lot and thus, i'm panicking and assuming the worst; that he's going to cancel it. I already feel disappointed and it hasn't even happened yet. I think this was spurred on by this horrible snow, he said he wasn't planning on going anywhere today or tomorrow and said that he hopes that the snow clears. However, if it doesn't,I think he'll try and re-organise it, as he won't be able to drive. And I'm already annoyed by this, because i'm pretty much offering to get a taxi directly to his door, he doesn't have to do anything at all. And this makes me even more annoyed - it's basically reaffirming the fact that he actually doesn't do anything - I give him absolutely everything he asks, without question. What the actual fuck! Seriously - every train ticket, the drink, the outfits, the videos, the pictures - for nothing...
So...in my inner rage, I realized that there's a part of me kinda wants him to cancel. Because that would REALLY be it. I've already thought about the text i'd send, the 'last goodbye.' And it felt good, mapping it out in my mind. I would be sad for a time, because all I want right now is a night of pleasure without any complications but, it would also give me a true clean slate. He drags me down more than he lifts my spirits. And the thing is, he's not really doing much wrong because i'm letting him do it all without giving him a hard time, because it distracts me from the shitty situations i've been going through lately. We never promised anything, he only wants 'fun' nothing more, he's too focused on his work and himself. I know all of this. I think a part of him does feel a bit of a dick for it but I don't think it'll really hit home until I actually say to him 'well, this has been fun but i'm done. All the best.' I'd love to say everything I type here which is reasonable and true. But, no good would come of it, he's too sharp for me anyway and he'd bat me down. I don't want to be the one looking like a fool, but eventually he might just feel like one. Who knows.
All of this, i'm thinking based is based on a single sentence, interpreted the way I think is the worst way. He hasn't actually said anything and hasn't even cancelled yet. We'll just have to see what the weather does. I suppose if the weather really is bad I don't want to end up trapped, that would put me in a bit of a difficult situation to explain.
I suppose i'm holding onto something fun and familiar while i'm going through something sad and scary. I hope that he sort of understands that, as a friend above all else, but then again, he doesn't have many friends and he probably doesn't care all that much about me or what i'm going through. I just need to see how it all plays out, there's still two days for things to calm down.
Me and Chris are going to talk this evening and at the moment, i'm not sure what about. I just told him that we should make time for it this evening, because it's difficult to keep carrying around. And we hug and kiss like everything is fine but I feel like a fraud. I want to be close to him but i'm holding back. I feel a pressure to let the landlord know if we're going to take him up on his offer or not, strike while the iron is hot. I haven't heard from the agency about the flat I went and saw, i'm giving it until the end of the day. I'll be a bit upset if it transpires that the room has slipped through my fingers but again, if it's meant to be it's meant to be. I would rather someone who actually needs the room to have it. Still, it would be good to know. All these things hanging in the balance right now - it would be great to know where I stood on them all. My relationship - are we ending it or not? Dan - am I seeing him or not? The flat - is it going to happen or not?
Sigh. Heavy heavy.
I just want to hide away.
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