Nervous and worried

Urgh, nervous, don't want to check my phone in case...in case my hunch is accurate.

I mean, so what if it was? He chickens out, or he's genuinely below par - I know if I don't feel so well I don't fancy talking to anyone, especially if it's someone Iike a lot. And if he just suddenly cools off, decides he doesn't want to persue it any further, well then I would just have to move on. I mean, I like him a lot but a week of intense messaging is easy to move on from. It's just whilst i'm in this fragile, uncomfortable state he's something exciting and new to focus on and i'm reluctant to letting it go. I shouldn't be putting this much stock into anyone at this stage, I know what the world of dating is like. I need to be realistic - there's always some sort of catch.


With Andrew, I wonder if he's a little insecure and a little lost in terms of the direction he wants to take his life. This is all totally from my own thoughts of course, but he's sporty background turned gaming and part-time jobs makes me think he might have a certain amount of anxiety going on, perhaps. That doesn't bother me at all, but when I look at his pictures and read his wonderful words I'm just baffled as to why he's not married yet.
I do wonder if he'll be as communicative in person, in these long exchanges you've got privacy and time and can hide behind the phone screen. Maybe if/when we meet, it might be awkward. This is why i'm so keen to talk on the phone, to just get a better sense of who he is, and how I I react to this.


Anxiety brewing within.


Urgh. Urgh! Why! I shouldn't get so excited, I just shouldn't let myself get wrapped up in someone I don't even know... It's just, I can't stop reading;


'Speaking of keeping things as real and honest as I can, I wanted to admit something that I feel super-guilty about - terrible, actually. Knowing you’re an artist, I rather shamefully, Googled your name, and discovered your wonderful art.



And Wow. Now it was my turn to get a serious case of the ‘goosebumps’. You. Are. Fantasically, breathtakingly, beautifully, talented. After several awestruck minutes, I started to get a really bad feeling however of somehow breaching the special feeling of trust we've seem to have developed over the course of this week. I can only offer you my sincerest apologies for this, and I will understand if you think it was a step too far. If it’s any consolation, all I could think directly afterwards was ‘This isn’t me!’ - with all my current friends I strive to be as open and forthcoming as I can (and as away from the perils of the Internet!), and to be honest, what it really led me to realising was… I am completely, totally entranced by this lady and I would really, really like to get to meet her in real life, open and honestly, wearing my heart on my sleeve. I know this might be out of the question now in light of the above, but on the slim chance it’s not, and you think you can forgive me, I think what I’m trying to say is… would you like to go on a date sometime? '



It's possibly the loveliest thing anyone has ever said to me before, it's impossible not to feel something after that. Just, he seems such a gentleman. I think I feel anxiety because I was just so, tremendously into Lee upon first messaging and meeting, and I was totally hooked. The way it ended was beyond my control, I didn't like it and it took me a while to recover from, which is so daft after hardly any time. But I did eventually.


Please don't let me down, Andrew. Please don't feel scared of me, or of what we could be.




Tomorrow I'm meeting up at the new flat to hopefully meet the new flatmate, I think that should make me feel better and a bit more focused. Hopefully. I'm sure generally I'll feel better once I'll have my own space again.