Is this it?

Empty. I feel so empty. There are no words or tears left. I think this is it.


Last night I returned to find him vacuuming our front room, I was happy to see him. We hugged and caught up a little and I started to do some cleaning as well but my mind was so busy and he knew something was up. I said how we should talk and he agreed, but didn't feel like it then. But we did anyway, we couldn't postpone it any more than we already had. And I sat with back against the heater and him on the sofa, with our heads in our hands agreeing that we weren't the same as we were before and how we were both waiting for the other person to say it - that we should end it. We cried and hugged, we sat in silence, we smiled, cried, hugged some more. It was awful. Like someone squeezing my vital organs and slowly ripping them out. I hated seeing him upset, I kept saying how sorry I was, and he was too. Eventhough we both know it, it doesn't make it easier and even though I've been turning it over and over constantly during the past month or more, when I'm sat before him it makes me feel sick to the stomach to say it out loud.
Neither of us could go to sleep easily, he rubbed my back but then I heard him sniffing quietly and I hugged him and rubbed his as he drifted off. Typing it out brings tears to my eyes. I can't cry at work. I musn't cry at work.
He had planned to go to his dads for a few days so we could both have some space to think, which I agreed would be a good idea. But this morning he said he would probably come back home. I wonder if he will ever go, maybe he's made up his mind, I think I have. I'm not sure it can be saved, now with what has already been said.
I would go home if I could but it's too far and too expensive to commute to work.
It all feels so surreal.


This has completely overridden any other thoughts or feelings I may have had about the weekend. My mind can't process anything else right now. It's for the best.