Doubtful

Waking up to the sound of the key turning in the front door, I tried to carry on sleeping but when he got into bed I heard him sniffing and I couldn't ignore him. He'd been to see his dad to watch the football and they ended up talking afterwards. I was intrigued to hear what his dad might have to say, I valued his parents opinion but hope that they were there to support him. He said he wanted to write me a letter, to get everything he needed to say out there, without distractions or emotions getting in the way. I agreed that this was a good idea. He said he'd work on it over the weekend, which I felt a little odd putting it off but then, it will allow for things to sink in a bit and he'll have more time to do it I suppose. He's not in the same situation as me at work, where I have time to type at my desk my personal woes and thoughts.


And these thoughts of mine were interrupted by my colleague presenting me with a little postcard from her young son and some homemade cookies - it was absolutely adorable and so thoughtful. It really put a smile on my face. I have to say, through all this madness and sadness, people have been there for me. I suppose I have been open about what's been going on, i'm not very good at hiding it (I opted for no makeup yesterday and a colleague approached me saying 'I looked sick' - it was difficult not to come back with 'i'm going through a breakup, what's your excuse?' she would deserve it.) I just hope people are there for Chris too, I worry about him. I feel for him, I miss him already.


I felt a bit better this morning though, and I realise that every day will hopefully feel a little more normal. I've just got to focus on the positives as much as possible. The moving out will be significant in all of this, I can't believe it's actually happening. I haven't handed over any money for the new flat yet, so there's potential that it still might not. But, every day gets closer to it. We agreed that him going to his dads for some space wouldn't achieve much. I mean, it's probably what we should do, but I feel bad at the idea enough as it is, and we get on well, it's not like i'm sick of the sight of him or we fight. The space wouldn't give us any new perspective, I don't think. We both know how it's going to go. I asked him if he had thought 'oh no, we shouldn't be doing this' and he said he had, but it hit in waves. A little similar to me, I suppose. It's a natural response i'm sure.
Every situation is different and I know there is no one size fits all in this. I know that I want this to be as civil and amicable as possible, I know he does to. And I suppose this way, there is potential to try and make things work if we felt we had made a huge mistake. I don't know. His sad little face makes my heart sink when I see it, why didn't we talk more when we should have done? Why did I resort to doing what I did instead of laying it all out for you? I know you're not a mind reader, that you don't catch hints, I know i'm secretive and keep things bottled up - why didn't I speak up at the time?
It's experience, I guess, something to remember and take with me moving forward. God, moving forward, I can't even begin to think about that yet. I can't imagine someone out there even exists. I think back to the pages I used to type after all the weird dates, the strange situations, the let downs...it makes me cringe, the idea of going through all of that again. I am doubtful that i'll meet someone again, who will fit the mold.
'You need to get back on that horse!' my manager said to me in a passing comment, which made me laugh. It's kinda insensitive but I suppose he has a point. I know that getting back out there will help me heal. But, I don't want to stumble blindly into dates that turn into hook-ups or just one-night-stands. I want to realise my own worth, if that makes sense - if I even have any at all. I suppose when me and Joe broke up I got back out there and met some amazing people, some that developed into relationships; Lee, Olive, Alex...I hope i'll have the opportunity to meet someone again. It's frightening, and daunting. I worry i'll run out of time. But I know a lot can happen in a month, let alone two years and maybe fate has something special lined up for me.
'Everything happens for a reason' they say...but i'm sad about how things have ended.