What does your gut tell you?
That the joy I felt at the prospect was enough to shake me to my core. My giddy mind skipped forward piecing together memories from late Sunday mornings beneath the sheets, wrapped up in each other laughing and created new moments.
As I searched for my seat and my brother’s familiar face I realised I was a little lost. I turned to go back and saw a familiar form slope past me. I turned and looked back and before I could ever think about it, I tapped his shoulder and he turned around and smiled. It was Jake, joes brother. We exchanged a slightly awkward hug but oh his eyes are so much like his fathers and i felt my body close to shaking. He started talking lots, telling me what he was doing, that he was living with joe in a part of London I used to live with Chris funnily enough. It was likely only a couple of minutes but he was open and and I wished him well. His mannerisms were so familiar. He asked where I was sitting and I said I was lost, he asked who I was with, I said my brother. He said he was with joe and oli and pointed but I couldn’t bring myself to turn. As we parted, he smiled warmly ‘it was good to see you,’ we both said and I managed to make my way back to my seat and when I saw my bro beaming at me I excitedly told him what had happened. Adrenalin poured through me - what does this mean? My body kept repeating. My eyes looked over the vague direction and there I saw the two familiar brown curly haired heads in the distance, framed by glasses wearing dark colours. My heart, oh words cannot describe how it felt to know we were in the same space, was enough that lead me to do something daft. I decided to text him and invited them all for a drink with us after the gig had finished. It was ballsy but it was friendly. I hit send and surprised myself at the lack of thought, but I knew I would regret it if I didn’t. I had nothing to lose. Sadly, I had no response. Ed messaged him too but perhaps neither of us will ever hear from him, maybe it’s not what fate has planned for us. I feel a little disappointed but why, I’m not sure. I just got excited at the idea of seeing him again and wanting to hear everything he’d been up to, congratulate them all on their impressive accomplishments. But then, I do deserve it. He has the upper hand for sure and calls the shots, I don’t want to intrude where I shouldn’t and where I’m not welcome.
But the beauty that was Bon Iver set my mind alight with busy thoughts and memories to be had. Foolishly I smiled and tingled with the key changes, harmonies and the ambiance in the venue. It hit me that I’ll never have such true love ever again and could nearly cry at the joy of even experiencing it at all.
He might have left his phone at home, perhaps Jake never told him we’d bumped into each other. Who knows, but this evening, it wasn’t meant to be...
There’s a part of me that hopes that in the morning I’ll read something from him. I try and think about if he’d changed, but a lot can happen in 4 years not to mention how much I likely hurt him. Not to mention the complications.
But somehow I’ve been pulled out of my lull and feel positive. What for? I don’t know. But for a moment a new/old life flashed before my eyes and it was beautiful and I wished for it to be real but my imagination likes to trick me and tease me and ultimately, I know I’ll never let myself forget what I let slip away.
Coincidence isn’t always enough of a reason.
-oh shit so he replied!
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