Bittersweet is the only word I can really use to accurately describe my venture home. I was so happy to see mum and dad on both days, but once I got to mums it was like being hit with a tonne of bricks. I suddenly felt incredibly depressed and the magnitude of the situation sunk in suddenly. This was serious and my life is now going to change significantly - the last 3 years are all going down the drain. My best friend would be gone and I’d be alone again in the scary, frightening world where I lack direction enough as it is. It came crashing down on me and I just wanted to die. It’s dramatic, but I just didn’t want to feel how I felt anymore. I wanted to take a giant needle and suck out all the bad from beneath my skin. 

Two of his close friends messaged me expressing their sadness at the news of our break up and how I’d given their friend some of the best years of his life. It was wonderful and I was happy to read them but it also made me realise the people I wouldn’t see again as a result of all of this. 

I talked with mum a bit about it all and she was annoyed at how Chris was behaving, putting his career first. Another message came through saying how they felt three years was worth fighting for. As soon as the evening came about I couldn’t help myself but call him. I didn’t know what I wanted to say but I knew it was our last chance before things were finalised. Suddenly I felt the size of a peanut, with big beads of tears falling from my face and a shaky argument with no real backbone. I tried to explain how I felt we could try again with a new clean slate, better communication between us both, clear direction about what we wanted from the future. But I wasn’t getting any fire in his belly, no desperation. He explained how he had spent the weekend building himself back up from one of his all time lows, so this was all new information which he wasn’t ready for. It stung, his selfishness and his lack of empathy. It was two a half hours of sobbing and attempts to reason. He had to think about it, like I was asking the world of him. I felt angry. I gave him so much, truly supported him, never give him a hard time about anything and yet here he was, having to think about whether we were worth saving. I looked at myself from above where I was sitting and shock my head. I’m worth so much more than that. It should have been the other way around, I was giving him a chance, really putting everything out there for him and he hasn’t made ANY effort to take it up. No texts today, no calls in the night, nothing. I put it all out there for nothing. He doesn’t give a shit. And one day, after I’m gone, he’ll realise what he has lost but it will be too late. 

As a distraction I’ve signed up to a couple of dating apps, just to stick my toe in the water and see how it feels. It all came back to me. I felt numb. It did take my mind off things though which I welcomed. There’s a couple of potentials that do have my interest but I know it’s too soon. I know my heart isn’t ready for anything new, for a long time. But it stops me from sending the texts I shouldn’t. 

I’m not going to see Dan again, I’ve told myself. That feels good to at last have made peace with that. I need someone completely new to start my new chapter with. Who will want me, who will want all of me. Who will want a future with me. They must exist, god I hope they exist.