‘And I can see for miles and miles and miles...’

No time today to allow for worries I catch up with me. But now I’m on my way home my head hurts and I just want to stay on this train until the small hours. 

Being around people picks me up, but as soon as I’m alone even music can’t keep me company and distracted from the doubts, the worries, the upset.

Bless my brother, though. He’s been fantastic and the unpleasantness we’ve both been through has certainly brought us closer together. 

I suppose I don’t have to present anything as a certainty if I don’t feel as though it is. But, my bones...my bones tell me differently. My heart feels differently - cowardly. 

But I can picture my room now and I look forward to it, in a strange sort of way. The whole dating thing though...god, I feel my stomach knot at the thought already. What if it’s all a waste and I don’t find anyone, IS ALL OF THIS THE RIGHT THING TO DO? I don’t know. 

I try to reassure myself. Dads helped me with that too. ‘You’re not starting all over again though, you’ve got all this experience behind you now.’ I guess that’s true. Experience and years...I’ll be 30 soon and I’m not even close, not close to anywhere I want to be, it feels. 

I know that to get what I want in life, I need to ‘be it’ every day. Because if I’m not, then I’ll never get there. So by staying together in a relationship which we both have admitted feeling as though is ending, and neither of us are fighting for it...isn’t it just wasting time? Isn’t it just convenience? That can’t be right, that’s not what either of us signed up for originally. Maybe tonight we’ll talk, maybe we won’t. Maybe I’ll find the strength to tell him honestly, or maybe I’ll chicken out. 

I’ve got to be honest. I have to. It might not be the worst case scenario, it might have gone similarly to previous conversations. Gut-wrenchingly sad but still in a sort of agreement. Maybe?