Treated myself to a journey in on the tube and a black coffee and tried to take my time walking to the office door, but still managed to arrive early. There were less people about for some reason and for the first time ever I was a little dissapointed by this, I kinda wished there were more bodies to cushion against me, softly suffocate me in the claustrophobic carriages.
I feel sad that we find ourselves in this situation and I feel sad that I let it happen. I knew it, when it was happening but I thought it would get better. But it hasn't, it certainly hasn't improved and it might be too late now to reverse how we feel. He wants to ride the wave and I want to ride it with him, I thought I did. But now we're here, I see less and less of his, I'm saving less and less, my motivation is becoming less and less...our former fun, silly selves are fading.
He wants to feel more fun and do the things we used to do, I do too. But, I said that people do change and it's impossible for him not to change in his new position, it's more serious - he's a manager for goodness sake. He said that his home life wasn't as 'intense' which he probably didn't word correctly, but I do agree, it's pretty chill and 'safe.' We just plod about and get through the week, then the weekend comes around and we fritter it away doing our own separate things. And if we're together, we just watch TV or play games...stale. We're not stale people, how did it get to this?
I suppose for me, it's all in my head. The twitch has been twisted and now I can't turn it back again. I know that Chris doesn't want the same things as me at this time. I know he wants them eventually, but he can't tell me when and he's not willing to make a compromise. So, I'm sort of in a limbo of wondering whether I should wait or whether I should leave and try and find someone else who does want these things in the same sort of timeframe. These thoughts have weighed me down throughout our relationship and the times I foolishly brought them up and silly times; before we went to sleep, after we had consumed a couple of drinks, at a time of stress etc. So, it put me off asking again and I resented him a little bit for it, but resented myself for wanting to ask the questions. This was wrong. This was a big error on my part and as a result, it's affected how I feel about being sexual and intimate. It's happened before with Joe, all the things I wanted to say but couldn't, just chipped away at me and eventually...it couldn't go on. It wasn't fair.
The thing is, this has coincided with his job change, I suppose he has been a bit colder towards me but I put it down to tiredness. When I asked him he did say that he felt like I wouldn't understand the pressure he's under at work, because i'm not in a similar position. Which I understand. But still, he doesn't open up to me about it really. When we ever get to the good stuff he shuts down and walks out the room. He's a bad habit of doing that. I did tell him this.
Again, it's a lack of communication. The big hitters; sex and money are also scattered in here among our problems too. I suppose our situation isn't unusual.
It's complicated. I think I might try and write him a letter and read it to him later on. It's lame, but in the moment when we're facing each other my body grows cold and I go blank, my voice goes quiet and I just want to stop talking. Maybe writing the letter will fill me with confidence but I won't actually read it to him, like i've done before.
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